Mass Effect 2: Life and Love
by Lexitag82
Summary: My attempt of a more realistic take on the Fem-Shep/Kelly romance in Mass Effect 2, told largely from Kelly's point of view. For updates on my work on this story, check out my profile page. Rated M for potential adult themes and situations.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"**Handpicked"**

**1.**

Kelly Chambers was intrigued.

Two years had passed since the young woman had been asked to join the Lazarus Cell. She could still remember that day, the ink on her degree still metaphorically wet, when the two men had come to her apartment on Illium to offer her what they called the opportunity of a lifetime. Of course she'd been skeptical. It didn't hurt that they'd offered to reimburse the expense of her entire education, but when they told her she might have the chance to do something that was monumentally important to the survival of the human race, Kelly had decided to at least give them a chance to show her. That had begun her affiliation with the organization known as Cerberus.

Now, nearly two years later, Kelly had every faith in Cerberus and its aims. Their plan might seem ludicrous to say the least, particularly to anybody who wasn't aware of the resources that The Illusive Man could rally, but she knew that if anybody could pull it off, they could. Even she had harbored doubts in the beginning, but as the fulfillment of their objective loomed closer, she had to admit to a certain level of carefully guarded optimism.

Even though the very idea that somebody could be resurrected, yanked away from the icy jaws of death, seemed more the stuff of science fiction, Kelly had been paying very close attention to the latest reports and updates and the results seemed positive. Even if you allowed yourself past the initial implausibility of Project Lazarus you found yourself in, what Chambers would at the very least have to call, an ethical grey area. The philosophical implications alone intrigued her as much as the project itself. Right now the sheer cost of the endeavor, a figure she wished she were privy to, made it prohibitive on a mass scale, what would happen if the technology became widely available? Would death become meaningless, and if it did, what would that mean for life itself? Did life really have meaning if it never ended? There were the religious and spiritual angles to consider as well. Kelly herself had never been an extremely religious woman, unable to put her faith and life in the hands of some unseen, possibly even non-existent all powerful being. She preferred to place her faith in other people and in the tangibles of life, the things that she could see and touch. Nonetheless, the implications were staggering and once this was all over she thought she might write a paper on it. Not that anybody outside of the Lazarus Cell would ever lay eyes on it, but it would still be an interesting mental exercise.

The data they were receiving from Lazarus Station on an almost hourly basis now was causing a stir to say the least. On board Minuteman Station, Kelly was part of the psych team monitoring the subject's brain functions and neural regeneration. Every day as she sat and read the reports and compiled the data, Kelly found herself wondering how many people would kill to be in her position, to be at the forefront of a field of research that had only existed in secret these past two years.

The aims of the psych team were twofold. Under the leadership of Doctor Michael Hunt the team had been split into two divisions. One group was monitoring the neural reconstruction and regeneration and the other team was doing their best to put together an in depth and completely comprehensive psychological profile that they could use to evaluate the subject when and if she ever awoke from her extended slumber.

Kelly Chambers had been placed in charge of the profile division, but she found it hard not to skim over the latest details of the neurological reports at least once or twice a day. It was fascinating. Although she had a firm understanding of how the human brain functioned on a biological level, much of the information that came in was well beyond her understanding. If anything, this helped to keep the two divisions working closely together as whenever she encountered something she didn't understand she would inevitably seek out Doctor Richards, the head of the neurological division and make him explain it.

As her coworkers were sleeping in the darkened barracks, Kelly was lying awake. Her head was propped up on a pillow she'd folded in half and her light blue eyes were reflecting the images and words as they focused on the screen of her hand-held computer terminal. This was the third time in the last day and a half that she'd found herself reading the subject's bio and history reports, but she found it difficult to put them down.

Commander Alyssa Shepard had been a remarkable woman, and that was putting it mildly. In her mind, the soldier's tale read more like the life of a tragic heroine in some ancient Greek tragedy, and there was an almost romantic quality to it. Call it hero worship if you like, but Kelly couldn't help but idolize her a little. Shepard had come from humble beginnings, the daughter of a farming family on a largely agricultural world, risen above the devastation brought on by a band of Batarian raiders, and pulled the entire galaxy back from the brink of catastrophe. To think that one person could do all of that, sometimes made Kelly feel like she could accomplish anything she set her mind to.

A shudder had passed through her the first time she'd read of the attack on Mindoir. It had made her wonder how Alyssa Shepard had dealt with it, how she had gotten past the death of her family and so many of her friends to put her life back on track. Given her background, it didn't really surprise Kelly that Shepard had decided to join the Alliance military. Unable to do anything about the onslaught that had taken so much away from her, it made sense that she'd want to learn to defend herself and others, to make sure that nobody else had to go through what she did. It was noble and heroic and in the privacy of her own mind, Kelly was willing to admit that it made her swoon a little.

Her military file labeled her ruthless and given her actions on Torfan it was a difficult label to dispute. There were some who called Shepard The Butcher of Torfan, but Kelly saw something else there. She saw the determination to do what was needed to accomplish her goal; another quality that was going to be important. Shepard understood that sometimes sacrifices had to be made for the greater good and she was willing to make those decisions when necessary. Maybe it was a little strange, but in reading and rereading those files Kelly had come to think of Shepard more as a close friend, somebody she knew, then the subject of an experiment or simple words on the screen of her terminal. She almost felt like there was a bond there between them.

Kelly had cheered when Shepard took command of the Normandy, the first step in her road to hunting down the rogue Spectre Saren and, perhaps more importantly, the first step toward healing some of the old wounds that had haunted her every step for so very long.

She could almost imagine herself right there on the Normandy, in the mix with Shepard, Garrus Vakarian, Tali Zora, Pressley, and all the rest as they came closer and closer to tracking Saren down. It was almost like she was there watching Alyssa Shepard's transformation take place. Here was a woman who had been turned inward, beaten on time and again by the blunt side of a rough life, finally starting to turn her life outward again. In tracking down Saren and stopping the Reaper invasion, the commander had found purpose, and Commander Shepard with a purpose was somebody who, in Kelly's professional opinion, you did not want to get on the wrong side of it. Though she didn't have a lot of love for aliens, Shepard had come to respect and care for her diverse crew, even turning to them on occasion for aid and guidance. It was something she probably never would have done only a few years earlier. Even if Shepard didn't realize it at the time, Kelly knew that she'd been turning her crew into the family she'd lost so many years ago.

The turning point had been in the commander's relationship with the Asari, Doctor Liara T'Soni. It was then that she really put the loss in her past to rest, and it was through that budding relationship that she'd been able to forgive herself for the tragic loss of Kaiden Alenko during their confrontation with Saren on Virmire.

By now Kelly had read the dossier so many times that she could practically quote it from memory, but she never got bored with it. There was something about Commander Shepard that had captured her heart and mind, and was holding them both hostage. She was so engrossed in the Normandy's destruction and Shepard's valiant sacrifice to save the life of her pilot that she didn't even hear the door to the barracks slide open. The sudden influx of light made her glance up from the terminal, wincing and squinting as it threatened to overpower her eyes.

She was surprised to see Doctor Hunt standing in the doorway glancing down at her. He was a trim man in his early fifties, and had been her mentor since the day Kelly had signed on with Cerberus. As the light became more manageable for her eyes, allowing his face into view, she noticed the mild unease in his dark green eyes. It made her a little nervous. Doctor Hunt was typically easy going and tended to roll with the punches. If something was bothering him, it must have been serious. Slowly she sat up in her bed.

"Doctor Hunt," she whispered, letting her own surprise drift away to be replaced by her normal self-assurance. "Is there something I can do for you?" Leaning over, she set the terminal down on the nightstand. Kelly shifted into a sitting position, pushing the blanket away and letting her bare legs fall over the side of her bed. She leaned her head down slightly to avoid hitting it on the bottom of the upper bunk.

"Still awake I see." His voice was soft and gentle. Chambers had to admit that during her time with Cerberus, she had met many people she could only describe as hard, but Doctor Michael Hunt was a definite exception. Since giving up the life she had known and coming out to Minuteman Station, he had been like a father to her. Sometimes when she thought about her family, the people on Earth she'd barely spoken too as of late, it made her sad. Hunt was somebody she could go to when she was down, somebody who usually made her feel better with his advice and wisdom.

"I'm told the Illusive Man would like to speak to you. They wouldn't tell me what it was about, but apparently it's urgent."

Kelly's heart skipped a beat and her breath caught in her throat.

**2.**

Amongst the ranks of Cerberus there were some who felt that The Illusive man was merely a myth, a construct of the machine itself designed to sow fear and loyalty amongst the ranks of the organization. Kelly knew that he was real, but as little contact as he had with members of the organization itself, she could understand why some held that view. He was probably the most secretive individual in the known galaxy, barring the mysterious Shadow Broker of course. To the best of her knowledge, The Illusive Man rarely communicated with anybody directly, aside from Miss Lawson, the head of the Lazarus Cell. The thought that somebody like him would want to meet with somebody like her both exhilarated and terrified her at the same time.

"I see," she said quietly as he heartbeat began to slow again. "Just give me a moment to get dressed and I'll be right out."

He nodded, turned away, and allowed the door to slide closed again. Quietly, worried she might wake somebody, Kelly opened a draw beneath her bed and pulled her uniform out. Her hand, hell her entire body, was trembling as her mind raced. She quickly pulled her work clothing on over the simple black shirt and matching shorts she slept in.

When she stepped out into the corridor, the doctor was waiting patiently.

Making their way toward the holo-communications room, Kelly couldn't help but take note of the slight slouch in her mentor's walk. His eyes remained resolutely forward and he seemed to be in a world all his own. For somebody of her talents, it didn't take long for Kelly to make an assessment of the situation. "Something's happened to the subject, hasn't it?" She felt her hands begin to tremble a little again. The thought that this might all be over terrified her.

There was a sharp intake of air while he no doubt decided what he could and couldn't tell her. Finally he began to speak. It worried her when Hunt's voice took on that monotone he normally reserved for subjects he was nervous about. "Ninety minutes ago we lost all communication with Lazarus Station." He paused, taking another deep breath, "There was no warning, no notice that they were going silent. The entire thing is far too sudden."

"Did something happen aboard the station Doctor?" Kelly asked quietly.

He simply shook his head, smoothing down his short salt and pepper hair. It was another nervous gesture of his. "We don't know. I do know that the higher-ups have been in an uproar trying to get communication with the station restored, but so far they haven't had any luck. Nobody seems to know what's happened over there."

"Maybe it's equipment failure," Kelly offered. She didn't really believe it though. Something major was happening. She didn't know what it was, but she could feel it deep down in her bones. Now that she was paying attention, there was something in the air here. A heaviness that didn't feel natural.

Hunt must have agreed. "Doubtful. Because of the sensitive and important nature of the work on Lazarus Station, The Illusive Man has deemed it too valuable to risk losing contact." He paused, his pace quickening. "Even if the main communications systems were taken out, even if they lost their main transmitter, there are so many fail safes, backups, and redundant systems in place that we should have heard from them by now. The fact that we haven't is cause for concern."

The pair rounded a corner and were nearly knocked on their asses by a couple of Cerberus officers moving at a hurried pace.

"Why would The Illusive man want to see me Doctor?" Kelly could only think of a few reasons, and she didn't care for any of them. The concern that he might think her involved in this incident somehow left her feeling more than a little uneasy. Chambers slid those feelings aside for the moment and locked them away. As a psychologist, she had been trained to close off her own feelings when she dealt with others, and it was a skill she could put to good use right now to help calm her own nerves. That training was something she was extremely grateful for at the moment. It did away with the need for pointless speculation. She would know why he wanted to see her when he saw her and not before.

"Like I said, I don't know. The word came from Commander Gregor just before I came to find you. All he said was that The Illusive Man wanted to speak to you, and that I was to escort you to the holo-communication chamber." The only thing that added any modulation to his voice were the slight tremors. Doctor Hunt was frightened about something, and that worried her. Again, Kelly did her best to slide those feelings away for later consideration. They would do her no good right now.

Instead she thought about what she knew of Commander Gregor. Kelly had never met the man in charge of Minuteman Station personally. Any orders he gave that eventually reached her had already traveled through countless layers of administration and management that they may as well have come from the void itself for all the insight it offered her into his character. On one or two occasions she had seen him in passing and he looked like a man with a chip on his shoulder. With the safety and security of the entire station on his mind, it was no wonder that he seemed extremely busy and focused on those rare occasions. Had there been an opportunity, Kelly would have loved to have sat down with him and gotten to know him better, maybe help him with his burdens.

The rest of their walk was spent in silent contemplation on her part and before she knew it they were heading down the stairs and into the communications chamber itself. Kelly had never used the holo-grid before but, even under the somewhat uncomfortable circumstances, she was anxious to try it out. There was so much that couldn't be communicated via a computer screen or a standard communication channel. This method would allow the participants to interact on an entirely new level. She'd heard that the Alliance was in the process of perfecting the technology themselves.

Doctor Hunt waited outside as the doors slid closed. Taking a deep breath and steadying herself, Kelly stepped into the circle before her and watched as the sensor grid scanned her. A moment later another world coalesced around her. The redhead was standing in a dark, largely open room. The view in front of her was breathtaking and gave her pause for a brief moment. The far edge of the room was one large screen and she found herself staring out into the heart of a star. It was one of the most beautiful things Kelly had ever seen. Her eyes shimmered as she watched the flares strike out from the burning blue ball of gas. It took her a moment to realize that it must be an image. They couldn't possibly be that close to the star, could they?

The rest of the room was largely featureless, save for the single chair in the center. It was facing away from her, but she could tell that it was occupied. An arm was visible, the elbow resting on the arm of the chair. Perched between two fingers was a cigarette. It was difficult to suppress everything she was feeling right now, but somehow she managed.

The chair slowly swiveled around until she was faced with a middle aged man. He was thin, and looked as though he was probable in pretty good shape. Once you managed to get past the strange sparkling in his dark eyes, he had an extremely penetrating stare. All things said, he was nothing like Kelly had pictured The Illusive man. She could tell by the way that he was looking at her that she was being appraised. Rather than call him on it, she allowed it to continue. Standing at attention, she managed a salute before dropping her arms to her sides.

**3.**

"Unnecessary, but appreciated nonetheless Miss Chambers," The Illusive Man said. There was something melodic, almost hypnotic about his voice. "You can stand at ease now."

At his urging, she did so, locking her hands behind her back, still a little overwhelmed by what she was seeing. It wasn't just the magnificent living star behind him. The Illusive Man didn't talk to anybody and yet here he was. Sitting there in his chair, casually holding a cigarette between his fingers he was talking to her, somebody so far down on the food chain that she was surprised he even knew who she was.

"You wanted to see me sir?" she finally asked.

"Indeed I did," he tilted his head and offered her the merest beginning of a smile, "Please feel free to relax a little Miss Chambers. I'd hate for you to strain something."

She did her best to comply, but it wasn't easy. She was talking to the leader of her organization. Nerves were definitely going to play a part, especially given the fact that she still couldn't come up with a good reason why he might want to see her.

"It seems," he began, pausing to take a long drag from his cigarette, "that events are forcing our hand a little faster than we had intended." He stopped long enough to expel a thin cloud of smoke. "A situation has been brought to my attention which, unfortunately, necessitates a dramatic leap forward on our Project Lazarus time table." During the silence, he never took those strange eyes off of her. There was something about them that made her a little nervous. Their gaze seemed to cut deep into her very core, searching for any secrets she might be harboring. There was a dark charisma about him, and it wasn't difficult for Kelly to imagine how he'd amassed such a following.

"With all due respect sir, I would have thought you'd want to speak to Doctor Hunt about any changes." Kelly still couldn't fathom why she was standing here instead of her mentor and the head of her division of Project Lazarus.

There wasn't any anger in his voice, but he was clearly admonishing her when he responded. "If I wanted to discuss this with Doctor Hunt then He'd be standing there right now and you would still be lying in your bunk rereading Commander Shepard's dossier."

All she could do was nod her understanding. When she'd joined Cerberus Kelly had been informed of the need for full disclosure. They'd made no secret of the fact that station staff were monitored at all times. It was something that Chambers had grown accustomed to, so much so that she rarely thought about the fact that she was being watched. Although it should have come as no surprise that he could know what she was doing with that level of accuracy, it still carried some eerie connotations with it. She shuddered to think about what a few of the others in her barracks did together when they believed they had the room to themselves. Did they realize they were being watched? Would it have mattered to them?

"To make a long story short," he went on, playing the cigarette between his finger tips and watching the tip burn, "Lazarus Station was compromised approximately ninety minutes ago. An enemy agent, probably working with the Shadow Broker, managed to hack the station's systems and turn the automated security systems against our personnel. Miranda Lawson, the head of your project, and the station's security officer, Jacob Taylor managed to deal with the agent, and are now on their way to Minuteman Station with Commander Shepard in tow." He flicked his ashes in the tray attached to his armrest.

It was a lot to take in, and it took Kelly a moment to process everything. "So they managed to retrieve Commander Shepard's body before they evacuated?" she finally asked.

He shook his head, taking another drag before he continued. "Forgive me for being unclear Miss chambers. I think you misunderstand me. Commander Shepard regained consciousness as the situation was unfolding." He paused, no doubt watching her reaction to the news. "I think it would be far more accurate to say that she helped them escape."

"Commander Shepard is awake?" she asked, unable to hide the surprise from her voice. Normally she had a pretty tight rein on her emotions, but this time she was visibly taken aback. "The reports I've read from Lazarus said that we were still several weeks away from waking her sir? How did this happen?"

Cerberus Incarnate tilted his head slightly. "According to our original time tables, Shepard wasn't to wake up for another three weeks. The fact that she woke up as the station was in crisis is likely no coincidence. Miranda believes that the agent induced her awakening in the hopes that it would be far too soon and her system wouldn't be able to handle the shock. Fortunately for us, and for humanity at large, it would seem they were mistaken."

Her mind was freewheeling. There was too much to take in. First and foremost being that the project had been a success. After two years in the great beyond, Shepard was back with them. As much as she had wanted the project to succeed, there had always been the little doubts buried away in the back of her mind. That in itself was staggering. Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel who had died making sure her crew got off the doomed Normandy, was alive.

Even so…

"I'm sorry sir. I still don't understand why I've been called in."

"You're the head of the profiling team Miss Chambers and from what I've heard your work is truly exceptional. Miranda has been extremely impressed by the psyche reports you've been submitting, and I understand she's received nothing but praise for you from Doctor Hunt. It would seem you have a way of reading people that's somewhat unique, an ability to step into their shoes and understand their perspective." He paused, stubbing the cigarette out. "Right now, given our current situation, that could be an extremely valuable asset."

She could only nod. Kelly had never considered herself a braggart by any stretch, but she knew full well where her skills lay and she wasn't shy about it. "I'm extremely good at what I do," she admitted proudly.

Others often asked her how she did what she did, what it was that allowed her to so completely understand and empathize with others. The question always gave her pause. It was something that had always been a part of her, something that came so naturally that she was often unaware that she was doing it. It's often difficult to explain something that comes so naturally, something you don't actually have to think about. The most important part, at least in her opinion, was her love of people, and her belief in the strengths and convictions of humanity itself. There was something inside of everybody, a spark that defined them and made them who they were. If you could find that spark, that core, then everything else would fall into place. From there you could deduce their motivations and desires. Once you had that, you had what you needed to truly know that person.

The Illusive Man simply nodded. "I've never been a fan of false modesty Miss chambers. I appreciate your forthrightness. That being said, I've personally selected you for an assignment of the utmost importance to Cerberus and humanity itself."

"So there's no pressure then?" It slipped out before she could stop herself.

If he found her remark distasteful, it didn't show. "Because of the sudden nature of her awakening, we can't be sure that Shepard is entirely herself. According to Mr. Taylor's report, her strength and tactical ability seem unhindered, which is an extremely positive sign, but we have no way of knowing if there will be unforeseen psychological consequences that have yet to present themselves." He stopped talking long enough to light another cigarette.

"Under normal circumstances, Shepard would have been taken to Minuteman Station and analyzed for several weeks at the least, before being sent out into the field. Unfortunately, there's no time now. As I'm sure you're aware, our engineers have been working on the Normandy SR 2. Other matters have been brought to my attention that make it necessary to place Shepard in command immediately."

"Are we sure she'll cooperate with us sir? Commander Shepard has no love for Cerberus."

"A question I'd hoped you would help me answer Miss Chambers. I doubt that there's anybody in Cerberus that's more familiar with Shepard's psychological makeup. I've already spoken to Miranda at length on the issue, but I would very much like your opinion." He paused for a moment, expelling smoke, "Do you think Shepard will cooperate?"

Kelly had to think for a moment. Surprisingly, as taken in as she had been with the Commander's file, it was a question that she had never really given much thought to. "Given what I know about Commander Shepard, I think she'll be reluctant at first sir. I'm not sure she'll ever really trust Cerberus, but when she finds out what's going on, finds out that the Council is doing nothing about the Collectors, and sees that we're the only ones who are willing to fight them, I think she'll be willing to work with us. She fought hard to save humanity from Sovereign and the Reapers, and I think that drive to protect will eventually overrule any misgivings she might have."

He nodded. "Miranda thinks Shepard will be extremely reluctant, but like you, she thinks the Commander will eventually come around."

Kelly nodded, "So, if I might ask sir, what is this assignment?"

"As I've told you, we don't have time to conduct the normal psychological examinations that we'd prefer. Because of this, I'd like somebody on board the Normandy who can gauge Shepard quickly and effectively. I want somebody who can diagnose any problems quickly and, if need be adapt to the situation. I want somebody on board who will know if Shepard is behaving strangely even before Shepard does and I think that's you Miss Chambers."

He paused for a moment to inhale once more, "In addition, if things go according to plan from here on out, the crew of the Normandy may come to include non-humans as well. I understand that you have a rather strong background in xeno-psychology as well?"

She nodded.

The chance to work with Shepard, the woman that she had been only able to read about for so long? It was an offer that Kelly did not even have to think about.

"I accept sir."

"Good. Miranda, Jacob, and Shepard will be arriving there in two hours. I have another matter for them to attend to, but Miranda will brief you on your assignment before they leave so that you can prepare."

"Thank you sir," before she finished speaking, the image around her faded, leaving her in the black holo-communications chamber. Without a moment's hesitation, Kelly set out to pack her things and prepare for her meeting with Miranda Lawson.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Though her mind was racing with possibilities and Kelly was in her own little world, she was still aware enough of the physical world around her to notice that, as she stepped through the threshold and back into the corridor, Doctor Hunt was gone. When she had gone in to speak to The Illusive Man, he had been waiting for her there, right outside the door, but now he was nowhere to be seen. Glancing upward, toward the top of the staircase, she found herself wondering where he might have gone. Before she had left him, he had seemed genuinely concerned, and maybe a little worried about her. Neither one of them had any idea what the founder of Cerberus had wanted with her. For all they had known she had been a suspect in the incident on _Lazarus Station. _It definitely was not like her mentor to just wander off under circumstances like that.

As she made her way up the staircase, she did her best to put Doctor Hunt's absence out of her mind. Kelly had other matters to attend to. Possibly it was for the best. The Illusive Man had not come out and said as much, but she had the distinct impression that she probably was not supposed to talk about her newest assignment. Had he still been there waiting for her, he likely would have asked her what they had talked about. Although she was certain she could if push came to shove, Chambers did not like the idea of lying to Doctor Hunt, or keeping secrets from him. It was better that she would be spared that task.

As she started up the steps, she could not help but think about the next few days and how her life was about to change. Kelly Chambers had spent most of her career with Cerberus here, aboard _Minuteman Station _and the thought of serving aboard a starship, of being right there on the frontlines was a little intimidating. It paled in comparison to the knowledge that she would be going up against the Reapers. Sometimes it was difficult being part of a select group that knew the true nature of their enemy. The rest of the Alliance, more accurately the rest of the galaxy, were under the impression that the attack on the Citadel two years ago had been undertaken at the hands of an extremely aggressive faction of Geth. They slept secure in the knowledge that Commander Shepard and the Citadel Fleet had neutralized the threat. On one hand, the idea that the Council had covered up something so vitally important made her extremely angry. She felt that the people had a right to know. The psychologist in her understood all too well their motives though. Announcing publically that there was a race of artificially intelligent life that was hell bent on the complete destruction of organic life, and might well have the means to accomplish this task, would start a widespread panic that could probably never be contained. She also suspected the council of believing that maybe the threat had been exaggerated, and if they ignored it hard enough it might just go away.

As she made her way through the corridors of the station, she noted the sense of urgency that seemed to permeate the very air she breathed. Even those aboard that were working with different divisions, involved in other projects, could pick up on the fact that something very large was happening. Kelly was all too aware that each division or cell of Cerberus kept to itself. No two cells knew what the others were working on, what secret project they had been tasked with, and that was probably for the best. The Illusive Man was probably the only individual in the Cerberus hierarchy who knew what every cell was doing. Kelly Chambers had no trouble understanding his reasoning. The fewer people involved in each project, the better. It meant deniability for other Cerberus operatives should a particular cell come under scrutiny and it cut down on potential moles or double agents. _Minuteman Station _was a hub for the organization. That meant that personnel and operatives from many different cells and projects had labs and facilities here, all of which were naturally off limits to anybody not involved with that particular research.

The Lazarus personnel that she passed on her way back to the barracks, many of whom she had gotten to know quite well in her time here, were all moving briskly, attending to their duties in a manner that suggested that something major was happening. She knew that curiosity would be piqued, but she also knew that Cerberus personnel would refrain from questioning it. Aside from their loyalty and professionalism, they were all extremely aware of how closely they were being watched. As much as she hated to see it put into practice, Kelly knew what a powerful motivator fear could be and understood that sometimes it was necessary. That's not to say she completely agreed with its use. She honestly wished that there was another way to be sure secrets were kept. This time there was too much at risk though. Commander Alyssa Shepard was quite possibly the only hope the galaxy had. If somebody with contrary goals had learned of her resurrection and managed to stop it, as somebody had attempted to just a few scant hours ago, the results would be disastrous. Compared to the discomfort and fear of a few individuals, the extra measures seemed almost justified.

Before long, she had made it back to the barracks. Leaving the lights off and moving quietly toward her bunk, doing her best not to wake anybody, she retrieved her terminal and carefully made her way back toward the exit. Once again in the hall, on her way toward the local mess for a cup of coffee, she turned the device on. Immediately two messages flagged. The first one was from her sister, and the other one was from station administration. She tapped the icon with her fingernail and the message opened. The email was rather formal, simply telling her when and where she was to meet up with Miranda Lawson.

An hour and a half later, Kelly was sitting in one of the large waiting rooms just off of hanger bay two. The shuttle carrying Miranda, Jacob Taylor, and more importantly, Commander Shepard was due to arrive any minute. The message had told her to be here when the transport landed, and that Miss Lawson would brief her on the situation as quickly and efficiently as she could in the available time. The young woman had used that time to dive a little deeper into Shepard's dossier. The more she read about the woman, the more she could not wait to meet her in person. Based on everything she had read, Alyssa Shepard had an almost magical way of leading, inspiring others to follow her, that Kelly could not wait to witness in person.

As she sipped her third cup of black coffee, Kelly finally decided to see what was up with her sister. She wasn't exactly trying to avoid the message as much as she was trying to avoid the probable tone. It had been a while since the two of them had spoken and, while they'd always shared a pretty close relationship, it had been strained in recent times as the young psychologist had been pulled deeper and deeper into her work. She also knew the date and knew what was coming up, and it wasn't something she was looking forward to. Knowing that she'd have to look sometime, she finally slid her fingernail gently over the icon that represented her sister's message.

Sender: RBChambers

Subject: Georgie

Hey sis… or should I say stranger? What gives Kelly? We haven't heard from you in ages! Mom and Dad are starting to worry… Actually, Dad's trying to remember whether or not I actually have a sister! JK. Seriously though, it's been too long. We were hoping to see you at Xmas. Mom was pretty disappointed when you didn't show up or call.

You know what the date is right? Next Thursday marks three years since Zack died. I'd like it if you showed up, but I'm not going to hold my breath. What happened to you Kelly? You used to be so involved with the family, and last year you barely made it home for the anniversary of your own brother's death. We saw you for all of about three hours before you had to leave again. What's keeping you from us?

I'm sorry. Don't mean to harp on you. We just miss you is all. Anyway, wanted to let you know that my golden retriever, Georgie just gave birth to a litter of puppies. You always talked about wanting your own dog someday. Say the word and one of the puppies is yours.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Your loving sister,

Rebecca

As she read through the message a second time, Kelly did her best to keep from tearing up. She wanted to tell her family what she did so badly, wanted them to know that she was out here fighting for them, doing what she could to ensure their safety. Unfortunately, it was the one thing she could never do. One day, when this was all over, she'd go back home and she'd tell them what she'd done, how she'd helped to make the galaxy a safer place. She only hoped that when that day came, she would feel that all her guilt was justified. As she gently clicked the attachment that had accompanied the message, she did her best not to think about Zack, and how hard losing him had been for the entire family. As the security software in her terminal did its job, scanning the downloading file for any threats or viruses, she tried to call his image to her mind. Kelly had taken his death particularly hard. Of course, she'd also felt responsible. The subtle beep from her device let her know that the attachment, a picture, had successfully download, and also shook her thoughts from the somewhat dangerous reverie she was falling into.

She couldn't help but smile again when she saw the image on her screen. Unlike Kelly, who had taken a lot of her features from her father, Rebecca Chambers had definitely taken after their mother. Her hair was long and dark, tied back in a ponytail. Rebecca was kneeling on a blanket in her apartment, next to Georgie and her litter of eight of the cutest little puppies she had ever seen. Her sister was holding one like a baby and smiling up at the camera. If her life had gone differently, if she'd taken a different path, she might have jumped at the chance to own one of those little scamps. Obviously right now though, that wasn't an option, and it probably wouldn't turn into one in the near future either. As she saved the image to her personal file, a sigh escaped her lips.

From the corner of her eye she happened to notice the shuttle landing on the other side of a large transparent safety partition. As she stood up, waiting for the shuttle door to open, every other thought raced away and she was back in the now. When the shuttle finally opened nothing short of death's icy grip could have torn her eyes away. The first person to exit, Kelly recognized immediately. She'd never had the privilege of meeting the head of Project Lazarus personally, but she'd definitely seen the image enough times to recognize Miranda Lawson on sight. Word of her beauty had definitely not been an exaggeration. The brunette was wearing what looked like a rather annoyed expression. A few feet away from the sleek shuttle, she stopped and turned toward the entrance. Kelly could tell that she was saying something, but the partition prevented her from hearing any of it.

She was followed closely behind by a man, dark of skin that Kelly could only assume was Lieutenant Jacob Taylor. His black hair was short and neatly cut, matching the general grooming of his facial hair. Even beneath the covering of the black uniform he wore, Kelly could tell that he kept himself in excellent shape. Again, she couldn't tell exactly what he was saying, but he seemed passionate about it, and he was apparently directing the full force of that passion toward Miranda. He didn't use his body to emphasize his point of view as much as she would have thought. Aside from a little arm movement here and there he seemed to keep his body's reactions under close control. Kelly was impressed.

When Alyssa Shepard stepped off of the shuttle, and having spent enough time memorizing her file and looking at her photos Kelly was certain that the blond woman was Commander Shepard, she felt her heart beat a little faster. The pictures that Kelly had looked at seemed a pale imitation compared to the real thing. When she stepped down off of the shuttle; even though she was stepping into what she probably believed to be enemy territory under circumstances that she probably had a hard time accepting, she did so with a confidence did nothing short of surprise the young psychologist. It was the same blond hair she'd seen in the files, they were the same green eyes, but in person she made those images look like they'd been drawn by somebody with no artistic skill whatsoever. There was a radiance about her, unhindered by the minor scars on her face that could likely never be captured in a still image.

Enraptured by the figure of Commander Shepard, Kelly watched as the trio proceeded to hash something out. Mr. Taylor looked aggravated as he spoke, but it didn't seem to faze Miranda. She simply stood there, arms still crossed over her generous chest. In her eyes, she could see that the project leader was giving him all the attention and respect that an irritated mother might afford her cranky child. Every once in a while, when Shepard would interject, Miranda's attention would turn to her and her expression would change. Probably nobody else would have noticed it, even Shepard, but Kelly was trained to read facial cues. Whenever Miranda's attention turned toward Shepard there was a strange mixture of fear and respect in her eyes. Jacob stepped aside and it was Shepard's turn.

If it hadn't been apparent in her Alliance files, the scene before Kelly Chambers would have left little doubt in her mind that when Alyssa Shepard was angry, or had something on her mind she didn't beat around the bush. The blond woman was right up in Miranda's face now. To her credit Miranda Lawson didn't so much as flinch, but Kelly could tell that she wanted to. Instead she seemed to retain that calm demeanor she had displayed since stepping off of the shuttle. Something she said seemed to have sated Shepard's temper, at least for the moment, because the armored woman stepped back. She certainly didn't look happy about it though.

Looking back, Kelly would have given anything for the ability to read lips. The young red-head would have loved to have known what had been sent. Even though, as Jacob and Shepard headed off toward the opposite exit, Miranda was making her way toward Kelly, she doubted her superior was going to be forthcoming on the details.

The door slid aside and Miranda stepped into the expansive waiting room. "Miss Chambers," she said cordially. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you." The younger woman took the offered hand, gripping it firmly. "I wish the circumstances were better, and I wish we had more time," the handshake broke and the taller woman started walking, clearly expecting Kelly to follow. "Unfortunately we don't." Any sign that she'd just about gotten into a row with Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Taylor was gone now and she was the consummate supervisor.

"As you know," Miranda continued as they walked at a bracing pace through the halls of the station, "and no doubt witnessed just now, Commander Shepard is awake and our timetables have changed rather drastically."

Kelly nodded, though she knew the other woman was unable to see it. "The Illusive Man filled me in on the basics ma'am."

"Good," Lawson said curtly, stopping before a door. Chambers followed the highest ranking operative in the Lazarus Cell into the small makeshift office. Miranda sat down on one side of a mahogany desk and gestured for Kelly to take the other seat. Doing so, Kelly thought about what she had gleaned about Miranda thus far. She was beautiful, there was no doubt, and she was well aware of that fact. It seemed as though everything she did; the way she moved, the way she gestured and spoke, was designed to use her allure to her advantage and put her adversaries off guard. By now it was probably automatic, Miranda having no idea that even now as she spoke to Kelly, she was attempting to use her whiles to secure her position in the meeting. Kelly also had no doubt that, given Miranda's beauty, it typically worked wonders.

"I'm having the details of our mission relayed to your personal terminal, along with dossiers on several people I'd like you to become familiar with before we depart. Suffice it to say, there's a high probability that we won't return from this mission. I felt you should know that up front."

The seriousness of the statement caught Kelly off guard and gripped her attention. Inwardly she felt her heart begin to beat a little faster. Unsurprisingly, The Illusive Man had failed to inform her that she was being recruited for a suicide mission. Thinking about how she might have reacted to his proposal had she known, Kelly was a little surprised to find that she did not think it would have changed her response. Aside from the notion that the lives of countless others was worth the potential loss of her own, there was little she could think of that would have made her give up the chance to work alongside Alyssa Shepard. Seeing her moments earlier, even if only for a fleeting few moments, had only strengthened that desire within her. On the outside, Kelly did little to show her surprise.

"I see," she said rather neutrally. "I trust the rest of the crew is aware of this?"

Miranda nodded. "Of course. They've all been made aware of the risk," she paused, "Knowing what's at stake though most of them would have fought tooth and nail if we'd tried to leave them out."

Kelly nodded, "If Commander Shepard is any indication, I can't imagine any of them will be eager to have the company shrink onboard."

Miranda nodded her agreement, "We think it's better if they feel that you're somebody they can talk to of their own volition. Somebody who's off the record and might share many of their concerns." She was leaning forward now, her elbows resting on the desk, her hands holding her chin up.

It was sound reasoning, Kelly thought. Throw somebody in to the situation that they can talk to, somebody who was going through everything they were. It would definitely make her more accessible.

"You'll be serving in an official capacity as Shepard's yeoman. You'll help coordinate her duties, keep track of her messages, and while you're keeping her posted on the emotional status of the crew, you'll be in a perfect position to monitor her behavior as well. You're the expert on Shepard. Her file pegs her as aggressive and possibly a little over self-assured. What the rest of us might think of as erratic behavior in her, you might recognize as her typical response. It's important to The Illusive Man that the Commander Shepard who takes command of the Normandy is the same Commander Shepard who managed to stop Sovereign during the Citadel attack."

Probably Miranda had tried to hide it, but Kelly picked up on a slight change in her tone. "You don't completely agree, do you?"

If the older woman was surprised she did an excellent job of hiding it. "I don't know," she said, leaning back in her chair now. "I spent the better part of three months trying to convince The Illusive Man that we should add some kind of failsafe, a way to control Shepard if she decides that her interests don't lie with Cerberus. He was dead set against it. He said that changing any detail, doing anything that might alter her in the slightest, would mean that Project Lazarus was a failure."

"He has a point Miss Lawson," Kelly said, crossing her legs and leaning back. Kelly had heard the rumors about Miranda, same as everybody on the project had, and most of them weren't very flattering. Words like 'Bitch' and 'Ice Queen' often wove their way into the conversation, but she was starting to think that to be a bit of an exaggeration. It was clear that she could easily come off as cold and unfeeling, but Kelly saw something different there. Her tone of voice, her inflection when she spoke about the project; it showed her to be an extremely driven person. Miranda Lawson cared, but she cared in her own way. Kelly could not be certain without spending some extensive time with her superior, but given the rumors and her brief conversation thus far, she came off as somebody who was an introvert desperate to be an extrovert but uncertain as to how to go about it. It was definitely something to think about anyway, especially considering the fact that she had a feeling this woman would be on the ship with her.

"The human psyche is an extremely fragile thing," she continued. "Even the things we don't think should affect it have a way of coming around and doing just that. I've spent the last year and a half getting to know Commander Shepard, in a manner of speaking," she corrected quickly, "and part of what kept her going, let her succeed where others would have failed, was the fire of her passion. Tempering that in anyway could have drastic and unforeseen consequences on her mental stability."

Miranda nodded and crossed her fingers together on her lap. To Kelly's surprise a thin smile crossed her lips. "You're good Miss Chambers, I'll give you that. I still have my reservations, but I'm not the psychologist here and since I've been forbidden from taking any of the aforementioned safety precautions, I'll have to rely on your analysis and hope it's accurate."

Miranda stood up again, "Shepard, Lieutenant Taylor, and myself will be leaving shortly to investigate another colony we believe was hit by the Collectors. If all goes well, we should be gone about two days. Well we're gone, I'd like you to coordinate with the rest of the crew of the Normandy, make sure it's ready for departure when we return."

Kelly stood up now too and nodded. "Understood."

"There's one other thing. I have some concerns about our pilot. He was a former Alliance Pilot, Shepard's pilot in fact. After the Normandy was destroyed, when the Council set out to bury everything that remotely connected to the Reapers, he was grounded. He's agreed to come to work for us, largely because he's aware of what we've done for Shepard, and largely because flying is what he loves and we've seen fit to grant him that opportunity again. I'd like you to talk to him though. I want to know if we can trust him. I've sent his dossier to your terminal."

"Yes ma'am," Kelly said, standing at attention now.

Miranda nodded. "Dismissed, Yeoman Chambers."

Kelly fired off a short salute and turned to leave. The meeting had been interesting, and it had certainly given her a lot to think about in her future dealings with Miranda Lawson, but all she could think about was the few scant moments of time that she had spent watching Shepard. Kelly vowed to herself that when they returned from the colony, the Normandy would be ready for her commander.

Publically


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The _Normandy SR-2 _was an impressive ship. It had been modeled, as Kelly understood it, after the original _Normandy, _the ship that Commander Alyssa Shepard had commanded as a Spectre when she'd chased Saren across the galaxy in an attempt to stop the Reapers from conquering all organic life. This new _Normandy _was considerably larger, and considerably more intact than the original, but it still held a sense of awe and wonder for Kelly Chambers. For so long she had dedicated her life to learning everything she could about the woman who had stopped Sovereign. Now it felt as though she had a physical connection to the Commander. Just the thought that a day and a half from now Shepard would come on board and take command sent a shiver up her spine. Most of her intrigue and anticipation would have been lost on the casual observer though as she did her best to retain her calm center.

As she made her way up the neck, connecting the cockpit to the rest of the Combat Information Center, she began to wonder if she was too emotionally involved to be here. The mark of a good psychologist was the ability to distance yourself emotionally from the patient, to offer a clear and objective view of their mental state. Deep down, a part of Kelly was already starting to worry that she might have attached herself to Commander Shepard, a woman she had yet to meet face to face, a little too closely. She'd been wrestling with the concern since she'd spoken to Miranda Lawson, but ultimately her pride won out. The young woman had wanted to discuss her troubles with Doctor Hunt, but since she'd spoken to The Illusive Man, her mentor had been nowhere to be found.

She was here now though, and she'd decided to make the most of it. Despite her lingering doubts, Kelly was certain that she could perform the duties that she'd been tasked with. As she approached the hub of the CIC, her eyes drifted back and forth taking in the view. Aside from her experience with The Illusive Man, the representation of the Normandy hovering over the center of the large ovular room was one of the most impressive holographic displays she'd ever laid eyes on. Though the image was primarily orange, it seemed to capture every detail of the ship. Her eyes stayed on it for a moment.

"You think that's impressive, just wait till you see the Galaxy Map." Startled, but managing to keep that to herself, Kelly turned. Standing behind her was a man, a little older than she. He was wearing the white and black Cerberus uniform that the other operatives were wearing over his lean frame. The black baseball cap and reddish-brown facial hair did little to hide his smile. Kelly didn't need to ask his name. He was standing with his arms crossed, his eyes trained on the hovering image of his ship.

"You must be Mr. Moreau," she said, extending her hand.

He took the hand, "The one and only," he said. Kelly had to admit that he was charming, and maybe just a little full of himself as well.

"Kelly Chambers," she said, pumping his hand softly. "I've been assigned to the _Normandy _as Commander Shepard's yeoman." There were so many things she wanted to ask him. Here was a man who had served with Shepard for some time, and under extremely difficult circumstances. Given the chance, there was a wealth of information she could get from him that never would have made any of the reports.

"I always told the Commander she should get a secretary," the pilot offered with a chuckle. "She's an excellent leader and second to none in a fight, but she never could master the fine art of paperwork." He released the grip.

She couldn't help but smile. "You served with Commander Shepard on the original _Normandy," _she said, "What was she like Mr. Moreau?"

"Please, call me Joker," he told her. It was odd, Kelly thought. Shepard seemed to have very negative views on Cerberus, and given her experiences they were completely understandable. Here was somebody who'd stood alongside her for so long though, who seemed to have an unconditional loyalty toward her, and he seemed completely comfortable standing here and chatting with a Cerberus operative. Joker didn't look the least bit uncomfortable in fact.

"It was probably the single most amazing experience of my life," he told her, the levity gone from his voice. After pausing to acknowledge somebody as they passed by, he turned back to her. There was a nostalgic look on his face. "I remember the first time I met her. I'd just come aboard the _Normandy _as her pilot and Commander Shepard was the XO under Captain Anderson." He tilted his head. "Came across as a real bitch at first, if I'm being honest. I mean I knew enough about her already to know she wasn't exactly a people person. Who in the Alliance hadn't heard of Torfan?" He paused. "By the way if you tell her I said any of this, I will have to kill you," the slight sarcasm returned to his voice and Kelly forced back a smile.

"Your opinion obviously changed," she offered, leaning back against the safety rail.

"Yeah," he said, "but it wasn't until after Eden Prime, when Captain Anderson was forced out that we learned what she could really do." He paused for a moment, and Kelly wasn't certain whether he was trying to decide what he was going to say next, or he was waiting for her to fill in the silence. Given the options, she waited. "I won't lie, she was ruthless in her pursuit of Saren, and she did a few things that others might question, but she got the job done, and she managed to unite one of the most…" there was a pause, and she could tell he was struggling with word choice, "I'll go with diverse," he finally said. "She managed to unite one of the most diverse crews I've ever seen, and even though she never lost sight of the goal, she never left the rest of us doubting whether we mattered or not."

Chambers nodded, as she filed away what he'd told her for later consideration. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Shoot," Joker said. "I really should be getting back to the cockpit. I reconfigured some of the flight systems for tighter control and I just know that damned AI is going to try and reset them."

"_You do realize I'm wired into the entire ship, correct Mr. Moreau?" _The electronic and almost melodic voice of the ship's AI, EDI chirped over the intercom. "_This means I hear everything you say, and I'm starting to resent the term, Damned AI."_

Joker rolled his eyes. Without saying the words out loud, he looked at the young red-head and mouthed the words: See what I have to work with?

Try as she might, she couldn't suppress the smirk that crossed her lips.

EDI seemingly silent, Joker returned his attention to her. "There was something else you wanted?"

"Out of curiosity," Kelly began, "I know that the previous _Normandy _had some rather unflattering encounters with Cerberus. I know the Commander isn't very fond of us, but you don't seem uncomfortable here."

"What are you, some kind of shrink or something?" he asked. It was clear he was joking, but when her expression didn't change, he shifted a little. "You are, aren't you? Cerberus isn't sure they can trust the Commander so they send you to spy on us, make sure we're doing what Daddy wants us to like good little kids?" It was odd. Even though he was making these allegations, there was no malice or hatred in his voice. It remained level and calm.

She shook her head. "It's not like that at all." Okay, maybe it was a little like that, but regardless of what The Illusive Man wanted, it wasn't how Kelly Chambers operated. "I'm officially on board as Commander Shepard's yeoman, I wasn't lying. Unofficially though, I've been charged with keeping an eye on the crew. I have a degree in Psychology from the Nos Astros University on Illium, and The Illusive Man thought, given the danger involved in this mission, it might be prudent to have somebody on board who can help gauge the emotional responses of the crew. I'm here to make sure that everybody is focused on the mission and nobody falls under the pressure. I'm not here to deliver everybody's deepest secrets to Cerberus."

Joker shook his head. "The Commander's not going to like this one bit," he told her. Kelly tried not to let that pronouncement affect her too much. Regardless of what Joker was telling her, Alyssa Shepard seemed like a reasonable person. Once Chambers made her understand how important her presence was, the Commander would come around. She completely ignored the small part of her mind that was asking whether that was her professional opinion or something else.

He sighed, uncrossing his arms and then crossing them again as he shifted on his legs. The look of discomfort on his face reminded her of the point in the file that listed his Vrolik Syndrome. Come to think of it, with the fragile nature of his leg bones it was kind of a surprise to see him wandering this far from the cockpit.

"To answer your question," he relented. "If you had asked me before the Battle of the Citadel, and before the Collectors turned my ship into so much scrap metal, what I thought of Cerberus, I would have said they were out of control and needed to be stopped. If Shepard had turned your downfall into her own personal mission I would have stood right beside her." He paused and added, "Well, sat anyway. I would have sat right beside her."

"But?"

"Right after it happened the Alliance and the Council began to downplay the threat of the Reapers. They even said it was the Geth who attacked the Citadel." He shook his head again. "Commander Shepard was a hero and after she died, those bastards started to cover everything up. The survivors of the Normandy attack were separated and reassigned. They didn't seem to want to deal with something that was staring them right in the nose."

He took a deep breath, "By the time Cerberus approached me I'd been grounded. When they offered me the chance to fly again, told me that they were working to stop the Reapers while the Alliance did nothing, it gave me something to think about. When they told me I'd be able to work with Shepard again, told me what they were doing for the Commander, you bet I signed up. Cerberus has a lot to answer for, but if there's a chance they can save humanity from the Reapers and its own ignorance, then I'm all for commuting that sentence."

Kelly nodded, as he turned.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to get back to the cockpit."

As he walked away, she thought about what he'd told her. She started to make her way toward the lift. At the very least, she'd come away from the conversation reasonably certain that they didn't have to worry about Joker. He seemed to have reasons, fully justified to himself, for working with Cerberus. He might walk away or betray them if he was following Commander Shepard's lead, but as long as he felt they were doing what needed to be done he would not be an issue. She also thought about what he had told her about the Commander's likely reaction to her. Kelly was sure their initial meeting would go okay, but she could not stop Joker's doubts from mingling with her own in a dark little corner of her mind.

The better part of the next day and a half, between brief naps, was spent going over progress reports from the various divisions aboard ship, and continuing to peruse the files of those on board. There were the other dossiers to consider as well, the few individuals that The Illusive Man deemed important enough for Shepard to attempt to recruit, but she would start studying them in earnest once the _Normandy _had left port and was on its way to their first destination.

Sitting at one of the tables in the galley, sipping a hot cup of coffee and picking at a ham sandwich, she found herself rereading the email her sister had sent her the other day. Kelly missed her family deeply, and the rather reproachful message she'd received had only served to intensify those feelings. There was no doubt that what she was doing was important. Kelly was out here doing her part to try and make sure that the galaxy was safe for them. Everything she was doing, she was doing for them. The most frustrating thing in her life right now was the fact that she couldn't tell them that. Everybody had their cross to bear, Kelly thought. It was why people with her training were in such high demand. Usually, the people who used psychological services seemed completely unaware that the people helping them were ordinary individuals with their own problems and concerns. Taking another sip, she picked the terminal up off of the table where she'd set it and opened the email she'd gone over at least a dozen times in the last thirty minutes. Eventually she was going to have to send out some kind of response.

Once again she looked at the picture Rebecca had enclosed. It made her smile to see her sister smiling like that as she held the puppies close. All their lives, at least the part of those lives they'd spent growing up, Rebecca had been taking in stray animals much to the dismay of their parents. It had come as no surprise to anybody in the family when she'd decided to go into veterinary medicine and open up her own shelter for lost and uncared for animals.

Not even remotely sure what she was going to write, Kelly plunged headfirst into her response.

Recipient: RBChambers

Subject: RE: Georgie

Hi Becky,

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. There's been a lot going on at work and I just haven't been able to get away. You have no idea how much I wish I could talk to you about it but… well, Patient/Doctor confidentiality.

She paused, taking another sip of coffee as she read over what she'd written so far. It seemed to sum up her feelings, but it also felt hollow. Kelly wished that she could say more, tell her sister about the Reapers, and what she was doing to help stop them, but the confidentiality portion of her message was accurate enough at least. It might give her sister pause for a moment because as far as the real world was concerned Kelly Chambers was simply a research psychologist, not the type to actually be seeing patients. It would be simple enough for Rebecca to decide that she was talking about somebody else's file and that part was also true. Commander Shepard's file, and her involvement in the current situation were highly classified by Cerberus.

Anxious to be done with the half-truths, she moved on with her message.

The puppies look so cute! Wish I could take one, but we're not allowed to have pets where I'm staying. I'm sure you'll find them all good homes though. You've always been good at that.

Sorry again about my abrupt departure on Christmas Eve. I know it's starting to sound extremely repetitive, but some things came up at work that I needed to be there for. Tell mom and dad I love them and wish I could have stayed longer. Promise I'll make it up to you guys.

How's Chad doing by the way? You two still enjoying each other's company after six months of wedded bliss? Kidding aside, you did well with him Rebecca. I really do like him and when things blow over a little here at work I definitely want to spend some more time with the two of you.

Again she stopped for a moment. Taking a slightly longer sip, Kelly wondered how to broach the next subject. It wasn't something she was anxious to talk to, but she knew it was something that had to be addressed. Her brother's death had been hard on the entire family and as somebody who's very job involved helping people through difficult times, it wasn't easy for her to be away in their time of need. Truth be told, she knew it would have been helpful for her to have her family around her. Once again it came down to sacrificing for the good of others.

I'm sorry… I find myself apologizing a lot lately. I promise that things are going to be different, but not today. You have no idea how much I want to be there Thursday, but I can't. I wish I could say more, but I can't. Just know that I want to be there more than anything, and if there were any way I could, I would. Unfortunately, try as we might, life doesn't always work the way that we want it to. Know that I love you all very much, and as soon as I can come home and see you all I will.

I love you all so much,

Kelly

Even though it seemed to cover what she was thinking, Kelly wasn't sure that it really got her point across. It seemed lacking, little more than an overly long apology. For a moment, she thought about deleting it. It would have been the sixth attempt that she'd aborted since she got the message the other day. If she kept it up though, she knew she'd never send anything. Nothing she could write would ever cover what she was really feeling inside.

Ultimately she decided to send it. Tapping the onscreen key, she stood up and walked her finished cup of coffee and half eaten sandwich back to the kitchen area. Sargent Gardner wasn't around at the moment, busying himself instead with making sure that some of the more mundane systems such as plumbing and the like were operating correctly. Setting it on the table, Kelly decided to make the rounds one more time before settling in for a nap. She wanted to be awake and alert when Commander Shepard came on board.

She was standing at her console, set off to the side of the back of the holographic display when Commander Shepard boarded the Normandy. The reports from Freedom's Progress had only just arrived a few moments ago, and she had begun to read them when she heard the chatter. Glancing up, she saw Miranda Lawson leading Operative Taylor and Commander Shepard up the narrow hall that connected to the cockpit. She felt her breath catch in her throat for a moment.

Not wanting to seem obtrusive, Kelly returned her gaze to the readouts on her console, but she couldn't help but sneak a glance at the other woman every so often. She was clothed in a somewhat unflattering orange outfit, probably chosen for its lack of the Cerberus logo. There was a grace and certainty to her movements. She was obviously somebody who had every confidence in herself. She was, Kelly admitted to herself, even more beautiful then she'd looked in her file photos. Even the light scarring around her face did little to mar her beauty. Realizing that she was staring like a schoolgirl, she forced her eyes back down to the screen.

Because of the crew chatter, and the background noises that accompanied life on a starship, she couldn't hear much of what was being said, but it was obvious that Miranda had said something to antagonize her.

She watched eagerly as the brunette and Jacob said their peace and made their way back toward the elevator. Her face directed at her console, she watched with anticipation as Shepard made her way around the central display, her head turning this way and that as she took in her surroundings. Kelly wondered what it must be like for the other woman, having witnessed firsthand the destruction of the first ship to bear the name. As Shepard got closer, rounding the back of the display on the far side, Kelly's heart began to beat a little faster. Though it had only been a year and a half, she felt as though she'd been waiting for this moment her entire life.

Sensing the blonde's approach, Kelly opted for a preemptive strike. "Welcome aboard the _Normandy _Commander." Tapping a few more buttons to put her console to sleep, she turned and offered up a salute as she stood to attention. Inside, Kelly's mind was flying at a mile a minute. The young woman could barely believe that she was standing here, addressing somebody that she had come to idolize. "I'm Yeoman Chambers," she offered, meeting the other woman's cobalt eyes. There was a depth to them that Kelly had scarcely encountered before. If she wasn't careful, she'd never find her way out. "I've been assigned as your administrative assistant." She allowed her hand to fall. "I'll manage your messages and help you monitor the crew." It was only when she finished that she realized she hadn't taken a breath.

Shepard's expression was stern and unwavering. Kelly could see in her the hard edge that she'd read about, and that Joker had been talking about the other day.

Finally, because she just couldn't seem to stop herself from talking, she added, "And I must say it's an honor to be working under you Commander Shepard."

For a moment, Alyssa Shepard just sat there staring at her. There was a power behind her gaze, a power that held Kelly in its thrall. Finally the Commander spoke. "Seems like tasks that are better suited for a VI," she finally said. "I'm sure EDI could probably handle it." There was a bite to her tone when she mentioned the _Normandy's _AI.

Flustered for a moment, Kelly rallied back. This wasn't at all how she'd expected the meeting to go. "Yes, but being your yeoman is just my official role. Unofficially I observe the crew." She almost winced when she finished saying it, wondering if she could have made herself sound like any more of a mole.

Trying to save face, Kelly plowed right on, "Everyone knows how risky our mission is. Many of us might not be coming back. That's a lot of pressure. I have a degree in psychology. I'm good at sensing when people are overly taxed."

This didn't have the effect she'd hoped for.

"So you're here to poke around in our heads? Send anything you learn back to Cerberus, is that it?" Alyssa Shepard had crossed her arms over her chest and was casting a glare at Kelly that would have frozen fire.

"Not exactly," Kelly said, her voice wavering a little. "I'm just…"

She didn't get to finish. "Tell you what Yeoman Chambers, do your job. Keep my files in order and stay the hell out of my head." The accusing tone in her voice almost broke Kelly right there.

"Yes, of course ma'am," was all she could say as Shepard turned away from her. Kelly Chambers felt like she was falling. How could this have gone so terribly wrong. In the back of her mind a soft voice told her that she'd known full well how Shepard would respond to the idea of a psychologist on board. She silenced that voice and did her best to regain the careful composure that she'd built up over the years. This was no easy feat. Somehow this woman she had just met had completely broken through her carefully developed defenses in a manner of moments.

As she tried to concentrate on her terminal, a fog began to cloud her mind and she realized that she was going to need to excuse herself from the Command Deck. As she stepped away, she received another glare from the Commander as she was turning from her own terminal. The last thing she saw and heard before the elevator door closed in front of her was Shepard ordering Joker to set a course for the Citadel.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

A few minutes later Kelly was standing over the sink in the women's restroom on the crew deck. Her eyes might have been focused on the drain, watching the last of the water swirl around the vortex before vanishing, but she wasn't really looking at it. Yeoman Chambers was lost in her own mind, doing her very best to make sense of what had just happened and trying to figure out why she'd reacted like she had. A part of her, a portion she'd tried to hide from since her meeting with The Illusive Mind, had known that Shepard wouldn't exactly be head over heels in love with the idea of having a psychologist on board. From what Kelly had garnered from her file, Alyssa Shepard was the type who might, after she got to know somebody very well, let some little clues slip as to what was going through her mind. She definitely wasn't the sort to sit down and have a deep discussion about her feelings. Wasn't that why Kelly was here? Hadn't The Illusive Man assigned her to the _Normandy _because she knew the commander's psyche profile well enough to gauge her actions and psychological state without having to coax her into a therapy session?

There were no tears flowing down her cheeks as she stood there. Even when she was younger Kelly had never been one to cry easily. She'd been a bit of a tomboy as a young girl and no amount of bruising, scratching, or bleeding had ever managed to pry tears from her. With her icy demeanor and cold stare, Alyssa Shepard had come close. Though the proverbial damn was refusing to break, if one had the ability to peel away her nearly aquamarine irises, one would have seen the cracks that had formed. A lifetime of work and concentrated effort had gone into controlling her feelings, making them work for her and it was like the commander had taken a wrecking ball to those carefully constructed walls.

As intimately as she'd gotten to know Shepard through her psyche profiles and personnel files, Kelly had started to feel like a friend, a confidant. Now she knew that she'd been foolish. Alyssa Shepard had a very closed off nature and tended to keep her emotions close to her belt. That much had been right there in the files. Kelly had wanted the woman to warm to her right away, to extend the kinship that she herself already felt, but that had been mere wishful thinking. Why had she been so determined for that first meeting to go so well though? In her profession, patients were often apprehensive about the first meeting. Kelly was starting to think there was more at work here though. Her thoughts drifted back to the first time she'd seen Commander Shepard. She'd been arguing with Jacob and Miranda after they'd landed on the station. Kelly had found herself entranced by Alyssa Shepard in that moment, and ever since her thoughts had lingered on little else.

Kelly Chambers was starting to worry that she might have feelings for Commander Shepard that drifted just a little past professional courtesy. The very idea was preposterous though, wasn't it? The young woman had never even met the commander before their little run in on the Command Deck a few minutes ago. How could she have feelings for her already? Maybe it was a case of transference, or some kind of hero worship. There was little doubt that she admired what Alyssa Shepard had accomplished in her time aboard the original _Normandy. _Kelly was also feeling no small measure of guilt over her strained relationship with her family as well, maybe that was it. Her sister and her family weren't here so she'd redirected the feelings she wanted to show them onto a nearer source, somebody she already felt a closeness to. There was definitely a physical attraction as well, and Kelly wouldn't deny it but maybe that's all it was. Commander Shepard was an attractive woman, and Kelly didn't share the same hang ups that many had over gender and sexuality.

Chambers released her grip on the sides of the sink and stood up to her full height, relieved that she'd taken the first step in dealing with her own issues. From here on out, she could focus on the mission, and the emotional states of the others on board rather than her own. From here on out, she could keep her mind on the mission.

As she washed her hands, she heard the door slide open behind her. Her heart skipped a beat at the thought that it might be Shepard. _Way to deal with your issues Kelly. I can see you have them well in hand, _she remarked inwardly as she turned. It was not in fact Commander Shepard who stepped into the room, but a young woman with short red hair and dark eyes.

Engineer Gabrielle Daniels offered Kelly a smile as she walked up to the sink. Kelly returned it. She'd never met the young engineer, or her counterpart Kenneth Donnelly who seemed to be attached to her hip, before she'd come aboard the ship. They'd met on her first trip down to the engineering deck when she'd been checking in with the different departments. She'd found herself liking the young engineer immediately. Gabrielle, or Gabby as she'd insisted her friends call her, had a very forthright personality, and though she managed to veil it behind respect, at least when dealing with her superiors, she never left much doubt on where her thoughts were.

"Feels good to finally be getting out there," she said, turning the water on as Kelly stepped away from the sink. "I was starting to feel like we'd never get out of the hanger."

Kelly nodded as she dried her hands.

"So," Gabby asked in an almost conspiratorial tone as she stepped up to dry her own hands, "Have you met her yet? Commander Shepard I mean."

"Yes, just a few minutes ago actually," Kelly said, trying to block the results of that meeting from showing on her face.

"What's she like?"

"Commander Shepard is very driven, very determined," Kelly said, grateful that the young engineer didn't seem to notice the slight iciness in her tone that had surprised even her.

"Good," she said, "We'll need somebody like that in command if we're going to come back from this."

Kelly could only nod once more as she made her way out of the bathroom and into the corridor. From this point on, the young redheaded woman resolved to focus only on her duty.

This proved a little more difficult for Kelly than she'd initially believed. A day had passed since her first and only encounter with Commander Shepard, and she still found herself dwelling on both the encounter and her own feelings. They'd docked at the Citadel about twenty minutes ago, and prior to her, Miranda Lawson, and Jacob Taylor leaving the ship, she hadn't seen the commander since she'd excused herself. Apparently Shepard had ordered Joker to plot a course to the Citadel and then all but sequestered herself in her own cabin. Kelly could understand the need for isolation that Shepard probably felt right now given the past couple of days, but she hoped this need passed in relatively quick time. Aside from the fact that it wasn't healthy for the commander herself beyond a certain point, it certainly wouldn't boost crew morale to have a commander who spent all of her time in her quarters. Her next encounter with Shepard had happened about fifteen minutes ago, as the commander was leaving. Shepard hadn't said anything to her but she'd given Kelly a look that, despite her years of training, she simply couldn't read.

Now she sat alone on one end of one of the galley tables with a glass of water, a bagel, and her hand-held terminal. In her attempts to focus solely on the mission, she'd started going over the dossiers of the individuals that Cerberus wanted them to recruit. Given their arrival at the Citadel, she'd decided to start on the one belonging to a one Kasumi Goto. She was a master thief, a gifted biotic, and apparently able to hack nearly any system she came across. Kelly could understand the value that somebody like Kasumi could bring to the team. Her psyche profile, like most of the psyche profiles she'd received, was frustratingly short. It gave the basics, listing her as confident and outgoing, but it tended to focus more on her skills and professional accolades then her actual personality. She supposed it made sense though. Somebody like Kasumi probably didn't let very many people get close enough to her to get an accurate personality profile. Kelly resolved to sit down with her once she came on board.

"Mind if I sit down?" She looked up from her terminal and was surprised to see Joker standing over the table. He was having trouble meeting her gaze and shifting ever so slight. Obviously he was uncomfortable about something. Truth be told, given his condition, Kelly was surprised to see him venturing so far from his seat on the bridge.

"Please," Kelly said, setting her terminal down and offering up her full attention. "Is there something I can do for you Joker?" She took a sip of water.

"Look," he said as he sat down, "I'm really not very good at this whole apology thing, but I think I owe you one." This was a pleasant surprise, Kelly thought to herself. She really hadn't been all that offended by his comments, but this seemed important to him. "I went a little far with the, you're an evil mind-bitch who's gonna brainwash the crew, thing. I just wanted to say I'm sorry about that."

"You don't have to apologize for speaking your mind to me, not ever. That's what I'm here for," she said, feeling a little better. "Besides you never actually called me an evil mind-bitch Joker."

"Not to your face," he said just a little too quickly. Before Kelly could press the point, he pressed on. "I know what it's like to be singled out, and I shouldn't have done that to you."

He had a knack for saying what he meant and moving on before you actually had a chance to be angry about it. "Besides," she said as she took another sip, "I've been called worse in my time."

"Yeah, by me," Joker said, once again pushing forward with the conversation before she had a chance to comment. "When I started flight school nobody else thought I should be there. Everybody thought I was too fragile to sit in the cockpit. They told me I should find something a little less risky, like a nice desk job or something."

"That must have been difficult for you," Kelly said kindly, leaning forward a little.

"It sure as hell didn't make things any easier," he told her before taking a bite of his sandwich. There was a pause while he chewed and Kelly nodded in acknowledgement to Crewman Hawthorne as he walked by. "It made me that much more determined to succeed though. I knew what I wanted to do and I wasn't going to let some medical condition dictate the terms of my life." He paused for a moment before offering her a rather sarcastic look. "Wow, you're really good at this."

Kelly smiled, "Well, it is my trade Joker. Mostly I just listen to people. You'd be surprised how often people can work out their own issues if they have a sounding board." She paused and felt something more was called for. "I'm really not here to poke around in anybody's head, not unless they specifically ask for my help anyway. Mostly I'm just watching for visual clues and behaviors that suggest an elevated stress level. I'm not going to deliver your darkest secrets to The Illusive Man."

The pilot nodded. "Well, I suppose I can live with that."

She tried to stop herself from saying it, but it slipped past, "You were right you know."

"Bound to happen once," Joker said, "Wait, right about what?"

"Commander Shepard wasn't very pleased to meet me when she came on board," she admitted, "For a minute, I thought she might space me." It was a bit of an exaggeration, but it had certainly felt like it at the time. She could still remember the malice in Commander Shepard's eyes when they'd met. Kelly saw it every time she closed her own. She couldn't believe she was talking about this.

"You've just gotta give her some time," Joker said, almost a little too kindly, "Shepard wasn't exactly a people person at the best of times. Can't imagine spending the last two years dead has helped."

She nodded, "You're probably right." There wasn't much conviction in her voice though.

"The other day, when I told you how impressive it was that she'd managed to turn a group of aliens into a crew, that didn't happen overnight. Hell, she couldn't stand Garrus or Wrex at first," In a whisper he added, "Personally I think it's because they reminded her of herself." He allowed himself a little smirk. "She didn't think much of Liara at first for that matter either, but given time she adjusted, learned to see the value that they offered."

"That's all well and good, but last time I checked I was human," Kelly said. Part of her couldn't believe she was pursuing this exercise in self-pity. She was supposed to be above all of that.

Joker leaned in close, "Little secret, probably not gonna find it in the records. Shepard couldn't stand Ash when they first met. Called her aggressive and fool hearty. By the time we saved the Citadel, the two were like BFFs."

Surprisingly, that did make Kelly feel a little bit better. "Like I said, just gotta give her some time."

An hour later Kelly Chambers was on the command deck again, checking her own email. The discussion with Joker had actually helped and she was feeling a little better. Unfortunately she wasn't sure how she felt about that. It was one of the curses that came with deriving such an understanding of the mind. Often times she found herself overanalyzing her own thoughts and feelings. On one hand, she felt better about the situation with Shepard, and on the other hand she worried that this was going to send her down the same rocky path she'd been on before their encounter. She finally decided, as she opened the newest email from her sister, that whatever was going to happen, was going to happen.

Sender: RBChambers

Subject: RE:RE: Georgie

Kelly,

Sorry about the pressure I've been putting on you lately. Just wish we could see you more is all. Told Mom and Dad that you wouldn't be around tomorrow for the anniversary. They were disappointed, but they understand. Was thinking though that if you can't be here, maybe we could set up a live com-feed, just for a little while. I know they'd love to see you, and so would I, even if it isn't in person.

Let me know.

Your Loving sister,

Rebecca

Kelly was thinking about her answer when she felt a presence behind her. She turned to see a woman, a little taller than she was, wearing a hood that kept most of her face out of view. The only distinction that she could see was the dark rectangle tattooed over the center of the woman's lower lip, and a matching one just above her chin. This and her dark clothing left little doubt in the yeoman's mind about who she was dealing with. Normally Chambers was well aware of her surroundings, and she attributed it to Kasumi's skills in stealth that she'd managed to sneak up on her.

"Yeoman Chambers I presume?" Kasumi asked.

"Welcome aboard the _Normandy _Ms. Goto," Kelly said warmly.

"Please call me Kasumi," the master thief said. "I've never been one for formality." There was a playful quality in her soft voice, and it made her lips seem like they were on the constant verge of grinning. "While I was going through decon in the airlock, your ship's AI told me I should speak to you about my living arrangements. Something with a window would be nice," she added, almost as an afterthought.

Kelly turned back to her terminal and called up some information. "Well, the bunks are all full, and we're not exactly a passenger liner, but there's a comfortable sofa in the port observation deck, if you don't mind a little traffic." She paused. "We could always lock it off at night so you're able to sleep."

"The observation deck sounds fine," Kasumi said. "I don't mind the traffic at all. I think I'll actually enjoy the company."

Kelly smiled, "Well, if you have any belongings being sent over, I'll have them taken down for you. In the meantime I'd be happy to take you there myself."

"I'd like that Ms. Chambers," Kasumi said.

"Please, call me Kelly," Chambers said as they approached the elevator. Kasumi walked with confidence, but there was something about her demeanor that seemed a little subdued.

"For what it's worth, I think you should," Kasumi offered rather cryptically as the door slid shut and the lift began its descent. When Kelly didn't respond for a moment, the other woman continued. "Sorry, I couldn't help but notice the message you were reading when I approached. I think you should take every opportunity to see and talk to the people you care about." There was an almost nostalgic softness in her voice and it didn't take a genius to realize that Kasumi was speaking from personal experience.

"It's not quite that easy," Kelly said softly, never taking her eyes off of the elevator door. Outside of her family, she never discussed anything remotely related to her brother's death. Suffice it to say, this wasn't a conversation that Chambers wanted to have right now. "It's a very complicated situation," she added, feeling her statement needed something more.

"Everything becomes a complicated situation if we let it," Kasumi said. "I'm sorry for prying by the way. In my line of work sometimes you forget that not everything is your own personal property."

"It's not like I don't want to see them," Kelly said as the door slid open, completely ignoring the thief's apology. "Because I do, but everything about this operation is classified." She took a right, Kasumi following her closely behind. "I can't risk setting up a communications link that a potential enemy might be able to trace back to us."

"If that's all your worried about," the other woman offered, "I might be able to help. I know a thing or two about communications systems. It's not my specialty by any means, but I know how to set up a link that can't be traced. It came in handy more than once when I needed to talk to…" she stopped talking abruptly, and there was a moment of awkward silence before she continued, "Anyway, I can definitely help you set something up."

The door to the port observation deck opened and Kelly allowed Kasumi to step in first. "It's a beautiful view," the hooded figure offered, staring out at the Citadel docking array. In the distance Kelly could see one of the massive arms that stretched away from the central ring. If she looked closely, she could almost make out some of the individual buildings of the Wards, and it might have been her imagination but she swore she could almost see moving points of light that might have been air cars.

The room itself was designed to be comfortable without offering a lot in the way of actual luxury. There were a couple of sofas, and to her right a bar. When she looked back, Kasumi was already curled up on one of the couches. "This will do nicely," she said as she sat up

For a moment, Kelly just stood there. Her eyes returned to the view presented by the large window, but her mind was on Kasumi's offer. It really would be nice to talk to them again, to actually see their faces again. She could play up the security excuse all she wanted, but she knew that part of her was trying to avoid it altogether. If she'd been confronted with this problem in somebody else, the first thing she would have told that person was to face their fears head on. Why was it so hard for her to do the same?

"I don't know," she finally said. "Visual communication could be problematic. I'm supposed to be working in some planet side facility, not aboard a starship."

"Well," Kasumi said, as she sat up, "If we closed the shutter, this could probably pass for a lounge. Besides, it's not like a video feed would show the entire room. If we set you up over by the bar, I doubt there would be any questions."

She thought about it for a minute. Kasumi was probably right. "Alright," she said. "I'll do it, that is if you'll help me set up the com-link."

"Of course," Kasumi said.

Kelly bowed her head out of respect. "I have to return to duty now."

The thief was up, walking around the room now, investigating every nook and cranny. Kelly immediately dismissed the thought that she was looking for anything that might be worth stealing. It didn't seem like that was why she was here. As she made her way back into the corridor, she felt a little better about her day, and began to think about what she'd been able to piece together about their newest ally.

Kasumi was kind and good natured, Kelly had picked up on that right away, and she was almost the definition of a people person. She seemed stable enough as well. She was also good at putting up a front. Though she came off initially as a happy, relatively carefree person, there was something buried. It was apparent in the way that she'd sometimes stop mid-sentence. At some point she'd lost somebody, that much Kelly was certain of, and it was understandably difficult to talk about. At some point, Chambers thought she might broach the subject, but for the moment she decided to let it be.

On her way back up to the command deck, she sent a short message back to Rebecca, telling her sister that she was going to work on setting something up.

A couple more hours passed, and Kelly was nearing the end of her shift when she watched the trio come aboard. None of the three were saying anything. Miranda and Jacob appeared a little agitated, but Shepard had a strange calm about her. She didn't look happy exactly, but there was a certainty in her eyes that Kelly Chambers hadn't noticed earlier. She turned and watched as the two Cerberus operatives disbanded. Miranda made her way toward the elevator, and Jacob disappeared into the Armory. That left her with Shepard. Her heart began to beat a little faster, but she kept herself in check. She hadn't been prepared the other day, but this time she was determined not to let this woman get to her.

"Commander," she said, concentrating on her own console, "You have several new messages at your private terminal." Kelly wasn't expecting a response, and she certainly wasn't expecting to turn and find Alyssa Shepard standing a few feet away, with her arms crossed. She did her best not to appear as flustered as she felt. Standing there in her yellow and black N7 armor, Alyssa Shepard looked intimidating to say the least.

"Do you have a minute to talk?" Shepard asked.

Surprised didn't begin to describe her feelings at the moment, but she rallied nicely. "Of course Commander. What can I do for you?" She found herself wondering if she was just imagining it, or if the malice she'd seen before in Commander Shepard was really gone. Kelly was hoping for the latter, but she wasn't about to get her hopes up.

Shepard took a deep breath. "I may have been a little hard on you the other day Yeoman, and I think I need to apologize."

"Commander, that's really not…"

"It is necessary," Alyssa said, nodding. "I've been through a lot in the last couple of days. I'm not even sure what's going on in here yet, she moved her arm just enough to point at her own head, "and I'm definitely not ready to sit down and talk about it." There was a pause and Alyssa's voice remained firm and level, "As far as the rest of the crew is concerned though, I can see the benefits of having you on board."

"Thank you Commander," Kelly began, but she was cut off again.

"I still don't trust Cerberus, but after talking to Anderson, it seems that you're the only ones willing to face the truth and act on that knowledge. If that's what it takes to save humanity, then I'll work with you for now."

"Of course Commander," was all Kelly could bring herself to say. The other day, she'd been convinced that Shepard would never accept her. This wasn't exactly a declaration of love… Kelly stopped herself. That's not really what you're looking for here, is it? She wondered. Inwardly, she pushed those thoughts away for the moment. Given their professional relationship, that was a dangerous path, and right now she was more concerned with earning Shepard's trust than anything else. This was a good step.

"I'm going to take a walk around the ship," Alyssa said, "Notify me if anything comes up Yeoman."

"Of course Commander, and if you have any questions, you can access the black panels found throughout the ship and EDI will be happy to answer them for you."

Alyssa Shepard nodded, and as she left the deck, Kelly felt better than she had in some time.


	5. Interlude

_First of all, I want to thank everybody who's been following Kelly's story so far, and I'd like to apologize for taking so long with the next chapter. I normally like to post Friday or Saturday as I do most of my writing on Thursday and Friday because it's my day off but I've been a bit busy this last week. This chapter breaks the mold a little bit from what we've seen so far as I've decided to do a short passage chronicling Alyssa Shepard's inner thoughts and feelings after everything that's happened. It's only about half as long as my normal chapters and really more of what I could consider an interlude than a full chapter. Chapter 5 will return to following Kelly and we'll learn a little more about her family life and finally begin to see the beginnings of the relationship forming between her and the Commander. Until then, I hope you enjoy this short little look into the mind of Alyssa Shepard. _

_Once again, thank you to everybody who's been reading and enjoying my tale, and thanks to everybody who's taken the time to leave thoughts and feedback for me._

**Interlude**

A soft sigh escaped the lips of Commander Alyssa Shepard as she stepped into her private cabin aboard the _Normandy. _When the door slid shut behind her, the blond woman closed her dark blue eyes and took a long, deep breath. Shaking her head slowly Shepard opened her eyes and made her way past her desk, down the stairs and past the large empty aquarium mounted into the wall on her left, and found herself standing in front of the closet. Doing her best to hang onto the calm façade she'd been wearing since her return from the Citadel two hours earlier, she slowly stripped off her yellow and black N7 armor. For the moment, as she stood there in nothing more than her black sports bra and matching underwear, both with miniature N7 logos emblazoned on them, she left the armor there on the floor. There would be time to clean it up later. For the moment, the Commander didn't feel like dealing with it.

Turning around, she walked over and sat down on the edge of her bed. Since her awakening on Lazarus Station, since the minute-to-minute battle for survival that had ensued, Alyssa had been doing her best to make sense of what had happened to her, why she was here. She was beginning to think it was something that she might never understand and that frustrated and terrified her. Day or night, regardless of what she was doing, she always heard this soft voice in the back of her mind whispering to her that she shouldn't be here, that she should be dead. Leaning forward, holding her head in her hands, Alyssa Shepard refused to cry. It just wasn't in her makeup, but she was at a loss right now. Two years ago, barely a month after she and her team had stopped Saren and Sovereign from overtaking the Citadel, Alyssa had died. An unknown vessel had all but come out of nowhere and torn the _Normandy _apart. She hadn't survived the attack.

And yet here she sat, very much alive.

Death was something that every soldier had to deal with in some form or another eventually and it was something she had come to terms with early in her life, long before she'd embarked on her military career. When she closed her eyes sometimes, she could still see their faces. They were the worn and terrified visages of the family and friends she'd lost on Mindoir when her home had been attacked by slavers. Why she'd survived that atrocity when so many others, far more worthwhile than she in her own opinion, had not, Alyssa would never understand. The months that had followed had nearly destroyed her as she struggled to come to grips with the horrors that she'd seen. She'd come away from that a hardened woman, determined to make sure that nobody else had to go through what she'd experienced. It had also helped her come to grips with death, and the fact that her own was something she was going to face someday.

Floating in space, adrift after making sure that Joker made it to an escape pod, she'd only been able to watch as the massive alien vessel came around for its final pass. Shepard couldn't remember much about her final minutes, didn't remember suffocating or plunging to the nearby planet's surface, but there was one thing that she recalled very clearly about those crowded final minutes. As she'd watched the shimmering yellow pillar of energy tear through her ship's hull, she'd been ready for her end.

Alyssa Shepard had been at peace.

Knowing that she'd saved everybody she could aboard the _Normandy, _Certain that Liara had made it off and knowing that she'd done her part to stop Saren and bring the existence of the Reapers to the attention of the galaxy at large, Commander Alyssa Shepard had been ready to face those final moments in the certainty that she had done her part, that she'd made a difference.

Now, as she sat there half naked on her bed and locked in her own mind, she didn't know what to believe. One thing was bothering her a little though and it was the last thing she ever would have expected to affect her. She'd been dead for two years. In that time there'd been nothing. When she'd opened her eyes on the station, it had felt like she'd just closed them, so what had happened in between? She wasn't thinking about her body. For the moment that didn't really matter. Alyssa was wondering what had happened on a spiritual level. She'd never been a particularly religious person and remembered having several discussions about it with Ash aboard the _Normandy. _

Nothing.

Before her death, she'd never given it a second though. Since her resurrection at the hands of The Illusive Man and Cerberus she'd been thinking about it a lot. Was there nothing out there, nothing waiting for her when her journey finally concluded? Why did that suddenly scare her?

"Pull yourself together," she whispered. "Shit Alyssa, you're gonna think yourself right into a nervous breakdown."

A deep breath later, she was feeling a little calmer. For the moment, though she knew they were far from gone, she'd managed to set those thoughts and fears aside. Regardless of why she was here in the larger cosmic scheme, Alyssa had a mission and she was a soldier. If it killed her yet again she was going to complete that mission. It had nothing to do with _orders _from Cerberus or the Council for that matter, who had already proven they would be of little or no help. This was about more than humanity even. Shepard had been charged with safeguarding the lives of every organic being in the Milky Way, and it wasn't an obligation that she took lightly.

"You wanna philosophize, or cry about life after death then you do it on your own damned time," she whispered as she stood up. "You have a mission soldier."

Somberly she made her way past the sitting area in her quarters and up toward her private bathroom. Once again, Alyssa made a point of avoiding the framed picture on her desk. She'd worked very hard, with varying degrees of success, at putting Liara T'Soni out of her mind. As much as she missed her lover, things were far too complicated and there was too much at stake. Someday she'd be able to look at that picture and remember the good times they'd shared. For now it was merely a reminder of what she was fighting to protect.

"Maybe one day," she started out loud. Alyssa couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.

Right now a shower sounded ideal. She hadn't had one in over two years so she was probably due and hopefully it would help relax the tension that was building in her neck. The door slid open and Commander Shepard stepped into the stainless steel-lined room. Experimenting with the water for a few moments, until she found the pressure and temp that she wanted, she stripped off the rest of her clothing and stepped underneath the hot water. Steam began to rise as she let the water flow over her body and a soft sigh of contentment escaped her lips. She definitely needed this.

Alyssa thought briefly about her time aboard the Citadel, about her futile pleading with her former commanding officer, the now Councilman Anderson. She'd been angry when he'd told her that Council wasn't even interested in hearing her out, and in her mind justifiably so, but she was starting to feel a little remorse over the way she'd taken it out on her old friend. She'd been able to see in his eyes that he'd wanted to help her, but this was politics and Shepard knew that his hands were tied. The look of hurt in his eyes when she had lashed out at him had left its mark on her and though he'd understood, she felt like her refusal to be reinstated as a SPECTER, the one thing he could give her, had been like a slap in the face. Still, it was the decision that she'd made and she would live with it.

The idea of working with Cerberus wasn't exactly her first choice; Alyssa was still nursing a grudge over what they had done to Admiral Kahoku, but they were the only ones who seemed willing to acknowledge what was really happening. For the moment she'd swallow her pride. Later, when this was all over, she'd do everything she could to bring the organization down, but right now Alyssa needed them. They were the only ones looking into the Collectors and the Reapers, and they were the only ones willing to help her who had the resources to be of use.

Finally turning the water off, she reached for her towel and began to dry off. On and off since Freedom's Progress Alyssa had been thinking about her encounter with Tali there. It had been a shock to say the least, running into one of her former teammates and it had been an even bigger shock when the Quarian, somebody whom Alyssa had often thought of as rather meek, had stood up to her. She'd been angry as hell at the time, trying to process everything that had happened to her and everything she had learned and she'd said as much, all but threatening to shoot Tali's team if they didn't lower their weapons. She'd felt betrayed when the younger woman hadn't been willing to back down, step in line, and simply follow Shepard's lead.

Wrapping the white towel around her body, she couldn't suppress the small measure of pride that she felt now. Two years ago, she could never have imagined Tali'Zorah taking to command the way she obviously had. The young Quarian had just been beginning her pilgrimage when she'd come aboard the _Normandy. _Tali had been soft spoken and, though she was definitely a gifted tech and biotic, had always preferred to let herself fade into the background. The new Tali seemed bold and forthright, perfectly capable of taking care of herself and taking charge and Alyssa liked to think that maybe her influence had played a small part in that.

Feeling a little better for the shower, Shepard made her way back into the main portion of her cabin, back down toward her closet. Hanging alongside the dull orange ensemble she normally favored only for its lack of Cerberus markings, was a little black dress that Kasumi had brought aboard with her. Alyssa eyed it suspiciously. She'd never, even in her youth, been the type to wear something like that, nor the matching heels that were sitting on the floor beneath it, but the thief had told her she'd need it. Tomorrow they'd be arriving in orbit around Bekenstein, a planet in the Boltzmann System where Kasumi apparently had some business. Alyssa had agreed to help on the basis that it wasn't far from the Citadel but she seriously hoped that this kind of thing wasn't going to turn into a pattern when they continued to recruit their allies. Shrugging, she changed into a fresh set of undergarments and decided it might not be a bad idea to get some sleep.

As she lied down on the bed, pulling the blanket up over her body another set of thoughts began to cross her mind. She began to think about Yeoman Chambers, her young assistant. Alyssa thought back to the initial encounter when she'd torn the other woman a new asshole for introducing herself. She'd felt bad about it immediately, but there had been so much going on that she'd waited on the apology. There was something about the young red-head that had caught Shepard off guard. She'd met several Cerberus operatives over her career, rarely under the best of circumstances and they'd all followed a similar mold. They'd been calculating, always working toward their own ends, but there was something about the yeoman that seemed so open and so vulnerable. She'd done an okay job of trying to hide it, but Alyssa had seen in her eyes the affect that her verbal assault had had. She'd never seen an operative of Cerberus bare themselves like that.

Though she'd told Kelly Chambers that she was okay with it, Alyssa still wasn't sure how she felt about having a Cerberus head doctor aboard her ship, but she definitely felt like the girl might be worth getting to know a little better. With those thoughts she drifted off into a fitful sleep.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Heaven and Hell"

1.

"I've never met anybody quite like you before Kelly."

Kelly's body shuddered as she felt Commander Shepard's warm breath on her ear. She felt secure and safe in the knowledge that even if her legs collapsed beneath her, the strong arms that were wrapped around her would give her all the support that she needed. Achingly, she pulled back ever so slightly so that she could look the other woman in the eye.

"The feeling's mutual Commander," she whispered, lost in Alyssa's cobalt eyes. Like tiny ocean whirlpools, they drew her in until the world around her began to melt away. Until there was nothing else besides the two of them. "I've never felt like this before in my life," and it was the truth. In her twenty some odd years, Yeoman Chambers had been involved in several relationships from casual to, what she'd thought at the time to be, serious. None of them came close to this though. Her hand drifted up, gently stroking the blond woman's cheek. It was warm to the touch and it made her feel more alive than she'd felt in a long time.

"Please," the older woman whispered, "Call me Alyssa."

"Alyssa," Kelly said softly, testing the feel of the word on her tongue. Until now, she'd felt nervous about calling her commanding officer by name. Now though, in the dim lighting of Shepard's private cabin aboard the Normandy, it only felt several different shades of right. "Alyssa," she said a little more firmly this time.

She felt the athletic blond woman's hands sliding up and down her body, over the fabric of her Cerberus uniform, and realized that she wanted so much more. Alyssa was attractive there was no doubt. For Kelly this ran much deeper than mere physical attraction though. She wanted nothing more than to be with Alyssa Shepard body and soul. Running on pure instinct, her hands began to follow suit, lost in the feel of the other woman's curves.

"Doesn't that feel better?" Alyssa Shepard asked with a coy smile.

"It does Alyssa," Kelly said, her gaze still locked on those blue orbs. Somehow, it seemed that she could see straight into the other woman's spirit. She could almost touch her mind.

"Good." The blond woman said before she leaned in to press her lips softly against Kelly's. For just the fraction of an instant, Kelly pulled back, afraid of what might come of this. It was true that she'd never felt anything this intense toward anybody and as much as it excited her, it also terrified her. Finally, as she knew she would, the yeoman gave in and felt the warmth of Alyssa's lips against her own. She tasted slightly of strawberries, and as the kiss grew more intense, their arms wrapped around each other a little tighter, pulling them closer to each other.

It might have been a moment or it might have been years. In truth it didn't matter. When Alyssa pulled gently away it seemed as though they'd always been melded together and Kelly felt as though she were losing a part of herself. She tried to lean in, fishing for another embrace, but Alyssa pulled back a soft, caring smile on her lips.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" She asked slowly.

"More than anything," Kelly whispered back, running her fingers through Shepard's short blond hair.

Alyssa smiled. There were no more words as Shepard leaned back in to resume the kiss. As it intensified, she guided the younger woman back until they were standing at the foot of the bed. Gently, their lips never parting, she pushed Kelly back onto the bed into a sitting position, leaning over her…

…Kelly's eyelids fluttered open a time later and for a moment she was lost in the disappointment that came with realizing that the incredible night that she'd spent with Alyssa Shepard had been nothing more than a dream. To be fair, she thought with a smile, as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, it had been without a doubt the best dream she'd ever had, but it had still only happened in her mind. A soft sigh of contentment escaped her lips as she turned to glance at the clock on her nightstand. It was nearly Oh-Four-Hundred Hours, time for her to get out of bed and start laying the foundation for her day.

Most of the Normandy's crew, aside from the skeleton crew that operated on the nightshift of course, didn't arise until around Six Hundred Hours, and she had come to enjoy feeling as though she had the entire ship to herself for the better part of two hours every morning. It gave her the opportunity to go over status reports and sift through the Commander's messages without being disturbed. Allowing herself a few more moments of peace, attempting to commit the nocturnal imagery to memory, she once again closed her eyes.

Ready to face the day, doing her best not to wake anybody else in the crew quarters, she gathered some clothing and her other essentials and vacated the darkened room. The halls were dimly lit to simulate night, but it was a short walk across to the women's bathrooms. Once inside, Kelly quickly disrobed from her night clothes and set her small collection of supplies on one of the small wall mounted shelves. Turning on the water, she fooled around with the temperature for a few moments until she found the warmth she desired, and immersed herself in the cleansing spray. As she washed, she found herself thinking about the dream again.

It wasn't the first sex dream Kelly Chambers had ever had, not by far. It was however one of the most intense. If she closed her eyes she could almost feel Commander Shepard's warm breath on her neck, almost taste the strawberry on her lips. What did it all mean though. Thus far Kelly had been able to justify her feelings as something akin to transference. She'd spent so much time studying Commander Shepard, burying herself in the other woman's life that she was bound to become attached on some level, and that had been fine. It wasn't even difficult for Kelly to justify the physical attraction. Just into her thirties, Alyssa Shepard took good care of herself and was more than pleasing to look at. The way she'd reacted in the dream though, the way she recalled feeling; it all hinted at something deeper.

"I can't be falling in love?" she whispered as she lathered her short, red hair. "Can I?" There were so many reasons it was wrong, that she shouldn't let herself travel down that road. Professionalism aside, Alyssa Shepard was already seeing somebody wasn't she. According to Liara T'Soni herself, they'd been a couple. Did that still apply? Shepard had been gone, been dead, for two years. Was that something you could simply reconcile? Would Alyssa want to? Would Doctor T'Soni want to? After her ordeal, from a purely psychological point of view, was Commander Shepard in any place to be in a relationship with anybody. And Kelly was supposed to be her counselor, somebody to rely on for support, not vice versa. Even when one looked past the professionalism of the situation, the ethical considerations were an entirely different bag of worms.

"Hope you're not using all of the hot water."

Kelly almost jumped at the sound of another voice. She'd been so lost in her own little world that she hadn't even heard the other woman enter. She turned to see Gabriella "Gabby" Daniels stepping up to the shower beside her. Her short dark hair was in disarray, and her eyes looked tired. She managed a weak smile as she turned the water on. Kelly returned the smile.

"You alright Kelly?" Gabby asked as she began to wash.

"I'm fine," she said, almost automatically as she rinsed her hair.

Gabby nodded, "You just seem a little out of it."

Kelly had always been the master of her own emotions, especially after the loss of her brother, and the idea that somebody might have breached the shell of that control didn't bother her half as much as the idea that she might not be maintaining it as well as she once had. "I'm fine," she repeated, "Just a little tired." It was time to change the subject, she decided as she shut the water off and wrapped a towel around her body. "You seem a little tired this morning too Gabby."

The engineer sighed. "Poker game went late last night," she said as Kelly approached the sink and the mirror. "Kenneth had Joker by the short and curlies. The rest of us weren't even playing at that point anymore, but he begged me to stay as his good luck charm." There was a pause. By now Kelly was brushing her teeth. "Not even sure who ended up coming out on top. Felt like I was gonna drown in all the testosterone, so I finally bailed."

Combing her hair out, and slipping into her uniform as Gabby approached the sink, Kelly smiled. "Guess we'll find out when we see who's in a good mood this morning."

Gabby nodded, getting dressed now as Kelly grabbed the few items she'd brought with her and began to prepare for her day.

2.

"Alyssa…"

The voice was quiet, barely audible, but Alyssa Shepard couldn't help but recognize it. A thousand years could pass without hearing that soft feminine voice, so infused with caring, and she would always know it. "Liara?" she asked, slowly opening her eyes. As the world shifted into view around her, Shepard was startled.

She found herself, decked out in her old yellow N-7 armor, standing just outside the elevator leading to the Council Chamber on the Presidium. Usually these halls were full of life, filled with diplomats and their aides en route from one important meeting to the other. It was eerie in the dim, ghostly lighting, to realize that she was here alone. Even the air itself had an unusual chill to it. Typically the climate control kept the temperature at a steady level. Now Alyssa could just make out her breath in front of her.

"Liara?" she asked again, but to no avail. There was clearly nobody here.

Slowly, finding her courage with every step, the young woman made her way forward. Even the trees and the plant life that adorned the small arboretums had taken on a chillingly sinister quality to them.

"Why are you here?" that quiet voice drifted through the air again. Now that she was paying attention, it seemed as though the voice was coming from all around her, rather than any single location.

"I don't know," she said, trying to keep her voice from showing the fear that she felt. There were those throughout the Alliance that thought of her as fearless, but Alyssa would be the first person to deny such claims. She had simply learned to control and use her fear, rather than give into it. As a skill, it had served the Commander well over the years. When she'd gone up against Saren in his final, Reaper-Possessed form, she had been terrified, but she'd have been damned if she'd let him see that. Now though, it was difficult. Everything about this situation felt completely off. "I just opened my eyes and I was here."

"Why are you here?" Liara T'Soni's voice echoed.

"I told you," she said, her voice a little louder, a little more forceful, "I just…"

"That is not what I mean Alyssa," Liara cut her off, and this time the closeness of her voice had the hairs on the back of Alyssa's neck standing on end. She could almost feel the Asari's warm breath on her flesh.

Slowly, taking every ounce of courage she'd managed to build in her short journey, Alyssa turned around and found herself face to face with Doctor Liara T'Soni.

"Liara," she whispered, unable to resist the urge to lean in and embrace her lover.

"You don't belong here Alyssa," the voice whispered.

"I know," she said softly, the hard ass façade Alyssa always wore beginning to crumble. "I was aboard the Normandy and…"

"You don't belong," Liara said simply, her voice going cold. "You're merely pretending."

Shepard was taken aback. "Liara," she whispered again, "I... What…" For the first time in her life she didn't know what to say.

"She's right you know," It was another voice that would haunt Alyssa Shepard for the rest of her days. She didn't even have to turn around to know that Saren was standing behind her. The knowledge that her enemy was nearby, even though in the end he'd done the right thing and tried to end the Reaper menace by taking his own life, helped her to recompose her resolve.

"You're dead Saren. You don't belong here," she said firmly. She still didn't turn around, but she could hear his footsteps as he approached them.

"As I recall," his voice said calmly, "You're dead as well Commander. The way I see it, I have as much right to be here as you do."

Finally, she turned to face him. It was Saren as she'd seen him when they first met. There was no sign of the Reaper technology that had later augmented his biology and left him completely subservient to Sovereign. "I'm alive," she said firmly, certain that she was trying to convince herself of that as much as she trying to make them believe it.

"Maybe you are, maybe you aren't," Liara said. It occurred to Shepard now that the Council Chamber had faded and now it was just the three of them enveloped in blackness. "The fact that you're walking, talking, and breathing… Do you really think that these things make you alive, that they make you Alyssa Shepard?"

"I am Alyssa Shepard," she said, ashamed that her voice cracked ever so slightly.

"Alyssa Shepard died two years ago, saving Joker from the attack. What you are, remains to be seen," the Asari continued. Cerberus was able to repair the body, and even restore the mind, but what of the spirit, the soul? Do you even have one, or are you just an empty shell? Are you truly alive, or just a pale imitation?"

"I am Alyssa Shepard," she repeated, her tone softer this time.

"You are nothing," Saren said. "You don't belong here. You belong in your grave, on that world your body crashed down upon. Everything that made Alyssa Shepard who she was died there."

"You don't know that," Shepard said rather weakly. "You don't know that," she repeated.

She turned to Liara. "I miss you so much Liara. You're all I think about. I keep thinking that, as fucked up as everything is right now, if I could just be with you, just touch you, it would all be okay." She could feel a tear running down her cheek.

The Asari sneered, "I'd sooner let Saren touch me than you. You are an abomination, unworthy of the name you cling to. The very fact of your existence makes me sick."

"I… I love you," Alyssa whispered. Tears were running down her cheeks now.

"The woman I loved, Alyssa Shepard, is dead and has been for the past two years. You are less than nothing to me, a thing." With that, the Asari turned and began to walk away, fading into the darkness. She didn't have to turn around to know that Saren was gone as well, leaving Alyssa Shepard alone in the darkness.

Broken, Alyssa Shepard fell to her knees weeping…

… When she opened her eyes, a wave of relief washed over Alyssa. It had been a dream. A hellish nightmare of a dream, but just a dream nonetheless. As she sat up in bed, she tried to let that reality wash over her, to cleanse her of the terror and dread that she'd been feeling. In that regard, Alyssa Shepard was only partially successful. Still, when her body stopped shaking and the cold sweat began to dry, she felt some semblance of control returning to her. A series of deep breaths and silent reassurances later, she began to feel that she could at least fake emotionally stable again.

She got dressed and ready to face her day in a blur of thoughts and emotions. As much as she'd been trying to avoid thinking about it, her dream had only reinforced what she'd already been feeling rather strongly. Who was she? Was she really alive, or was she something else, some terrible ungodly creation? Thinking about the day ahead, she did her best to put those troubling worries to rest for a while as she pulled her black boots on beneath the skirt of the tasteless orange outfit she'd found in her closet.

In a few hours they'd reach Bekenstein and she'd accompany Kasumi to the surface to retrieve… What the hell was the thief trying to take anyway. Kasumi had been impressively tightlipped in that regard, telling Shepard only that it was important to her and that she wouldn't be able to put her full attention on the mission at hand until she had it. Part of Alyssa wanted to tell the damned thief to go to hell. They were playing for the life of every man, woman, and child in the galaxy here. There was no time for concerns of a personal nature. The pure and simple, and to Shepard extremely annoying, fact was that Kasumi could be extremely useful though. She had abilities that made her stand apart. The Illusive Man had seen it and, much as she hated agreeing with the bastard, she could see it too.

There.

Now she had something else to concentrate on and she felt all the better for it. After a little breakfast she would be able to throw herself into her work and forget about the evils that awaited her in her dreams.

3.

"Yeoman."

Kelly looked up and nearly choked on her oatmeal when she saw Commander Shepard standing across the table looking down at her. Her expression was neutral, and Kelly suddenly found herself hoping that the warmth she felt in her cheeks wasn't showing. She did what she could to set aside the dream-influenced thoughts that she was having. It took her a moment to recover as she set the spoon down in the bowel and looked up at the blond woman.

So beautiful.

"Is everything alright Yeoman?" Shepard seemed a little distressed.

"I'm fine Commander," Kelly said, recovering quickly. Out of the corner of her eye she watched Joker walk into the Mess and noticed the wide grin on his face. Guess I know who won the poker game, she thought. Then it occurred to her that Gabby was probably having to deal with a rather despondent Ken. Once again as these thoughts poured into her, she was able to return her concentration to the concerns of the Normandy's crew. "You just startled me a little," she finally said.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said, sitting down across the table from Kelly.

"Is everything alright Commander? You seem a little unfocused," Kelly said.

"Nothing I can't handle," Shepard said, taking a bite from her bowl. That's a good start, Kelly thought. She's not ready to talk about it, but at least she's admitting that there's something bothering her. It was something the counselor could build on later. "Just some bad dreams. Par for the course when you've lived my life." Her tone remained level, but Kelly could see in her eyes that there was something else going on.

After everything she's gone through, Kelly thought sadly, how can there not be something else going on. Her entire life probably revolves around something elses right now.

"If you ever wanna talk about it I'm always available Commander," Kelly offered as she finished her bowl.

"My initial stance hasn't changed Yeoman," Alyssa said rather forcefully. "I can see the value of having you on board for the rest of the crew, but I can handle my own issues."

"Of course Commander," she said, slightly shaken. This time she didn't let it bother her like it had when Shepard had first approached her on the Command Deck, but it still cut a little. A little more, in fact, than she would have liked. "If that ever changes, I just want you to know that I'm here." She stood up and walked away with her empty bowl before commander Shepard could respond. As she turned she bumped into Kasumi, nearly knocking their newest crewmember over. "Sorry," she said softly, and continued on her way.

She didn't see Kasumi raise a curious eyebrow before she sat down across from the Commander.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Coming to Terms Part I"

1.

"So, you're sure this is secure, right?" Kelly asked, glancing down at the makeshift com-terminal. In truth, though she did her best to appear optimistic and happy about Kasumi's help on the outside, she had been dreading this moment for the last few days. She loved her parents and she always would. Nothing would ever change that. A part of the young woman's heart warmed at the thought of speaking with them again after such a long time. Unfortunately work concerns, her frazzled thoughts on Shepard, and knowing that this was the anniversary of her brother's death all conspired together to fill her with a deep sense of unease. The fact that her sister would be on the line as well was a small consolation. Apart from Zack's death those three long years ago, what could they really talk about? Everything going on in her life was a secret of the highest order. "If you're not sure I'll understand," she added, hoping that the hope didn't show through in her voice.

"Trust me," the thief said, her lips turning upward in a crooked grin. "Keiji and I used to use this line all the time. Not even Cerberus is going to crack it," illustrating her enthusiasm, the hooded woman walked around the counter and began to manipulate the controls. "I know how important our loved ones are," there was a wistful quality to her voice now, and a brief pause as the smile briefly vanished. "I wouldn't let you do anything that might endanger them."

"Thank you Kasumi," Kelly said, resigning herself to the inevitable. She decided then and there that she'd try to face what was coming with dignity and hope. Maybe this was a good thing and maybe Kasumi was right. Kelly Chambers needed this.

"If I might ask a personal question?"

Kelly raised an eyebrow. That was normally her line and it felt a little strange to have it turned around on her. Still, this woman was doing her a favor and in a way she felt like she owed her. "Please do," she said.

"You seem preoccupied."

Damn! Kelly thought. First Gabby this morning in the showers and now Kasumi. Was it written on her forehead? Ever the counselor first, she didn't allow her surprise to show. Instead, she took a moment to think before answering. "I just have a lot on my mind," she finally offered lamely. When the following silence told her that this wasn't the answer the thief had been hoping for, she did something that under normal circumstances she would have avoided. It's a tried and true tactic, when you're trying to get somebody to open up, that you do as little talking as possible. Already a little off guard, the person you're trying to talk to will often go to great lengths to fill what's perceived as an awkward silence. Typically, Kelly was a little more focused; she never would have fallen into this trap under ordinary circumstances. Without thinking, Kelly Chambers went right on talking.

"My brother died three years ago today," she said. "Under normal circumstances I'd be at home right now, spending the anniversary of his death with my family. It's hard not being there with them, and I can't tell them why." Kasumi nodded from the other side of the counter in the port observation chamber and Kelly kept right on talking. "The last couple of years have already put a strain on our relationship. They feel like I'm drifting away, like I don't care anymore. I want to tell them that's not true, but how can I? When they ask what I've been doing, I have two options. I can either clam up and say nothing, or I can lie to them."

Kasumi tilted her head, resting an elbow on the counter and using her hand to support her chin. "Is it worth it?"

"Worth it?"

"What you're doing," the other woman continued. "It's hard to deceive those we love, but sometimes we have no choice. That's just life. We all have to make sacrifices," Once again she paused. There was something going on there. Kasumi had obviously lost somebody close to her and someday Kelly was going to talk to her about it. Now obviously wasn't the time though. "You have to ask yourself if what you're working toward, what you're trying to accomplish is greater than the pain of the sacrifices."

"I'm working with the best to help save mankind, to help save them," she said, referring to her family. The thought of her parents, of her sister Rebecca falling to the Reaper invasion made her shudder. "Everything I do, I'm doing for them and if I fail, if we fail, there won't be anybody left for me to feel bad about deceiving." She thought about it for a moment, letting Kasumi's words and the intent behind those words sink in before she continued. "I guess I'd rather that they lived on, hating me for lying to them, or thinking that I don't care about them anymore, than have them die at the hands of the Reapers."

"I think you have your answer then," Kasumi said. "I've shown you how to operate the com-terminal. Just do everything I told you and you shouldn't have any problems."

"Thank you Kasumi," Kelly said with a smile, "for everything."

"You're welcome," the Asian woman said happily. "It's a lot of pressure I would imagine, being responsible for the emotional health of a crew of misfits like me. If you ever need to talk, I'm available."

"Am I interrupting something?"

Kelly turned toward the door and her breath caught in her throat. Commander Shepard was standing in the doorway and she looked positively breathtaking. The garish orange civilian clothing she normally wore on ship was gone, replaced by an elegant, low-cut black dress that flowed smoothly over the curves of her body, stopping just above the knees. Dark nylons covered her shapely legs, ending in a pair of elegant black heels that raised her another inch or two above her normal height. Her hair short blond hair had clearly just been washed and Kelly swore that she could see just the hints of a subtle makeup application on the Commander's face. Everything that Kelly had done to put last night's dream out of her mind, the walls she had put up to keep herself focused, crumbled and all she could do was stare.

"Yeoman?"

"Sorry Commander," Kelly said, "I must have zoned out for a moment." She did her best not to react to the surprise smirk that came from behind her.

Shepard nodded, though her eyes remained glued to the counselor for a moment. Finally she glanced over at Kasumi. "Can we get this over with so I can change out of this ridiculous getup?"

"Of course Commander." Kasumi walked back around the counter, cast Kelly a rather mischievous glance and followed Commander Shepard out of the room.

Kelly could tell she was blushing, and wanted nothing more than to just back up against the wall and blend into it. It took a few moments before she began to recover from her embarrassment. Glancing down at the terminal one more time, and then out the window where Bekenstein was clearly visible hovering in the darkness of space, she turned to leave the observation lounge. She had a few hours before she was due to contact her family.

Enough time to get some work done and get something to eat.

2.

A short time later Alyssa found herself staring out the forward screen as the surface of Bekenstein passed beneath their shuttle. She was vaguely aware that Kasumi was talking, trying to brief her on the mission and she was paying enough attention to pick up on the specifics, but her mind was a million light years away. Try as she might, Shepard just couldn't seem to get the dream she'd had off of her mind. Though her eyes were locked on the cityscape as it glided by, she wasn't truly looking at anything. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Liara standing before her, condemning her as an abomination.

It wouldn't be very long before they reached the estate of Donovan Hock, the man whom they were going to rob. Even aside from the brief description Kasumi had provided, Shepard had heard of the man. In the world of arms dealing, Hock was something of a giant. Alyssa Shepard didn't know what the thief wanted with him but in her present state she really didn't care that much either. Whatever it was that they were going in to acquire, it was little more than a means to an end. Kasumi Goto was useful and the Commander needed her full effort to be focused on the mission. If this made that happen, annoying little side track that it was, then it was worth it.

"Your name?"

Startled, Shepard turned. A moment later, she rejoined reality. "Alison Gunn," she said coldly.

Apparently satisfied, the thief nodded and dropped right back into the specifics of their task. Shepard would get into his estate under the guise of a weapons dealer. They'd even brought him a gift, something that a man of Hock's ego was sure to appreciate, in the form of a golden statue. What he wouldn't be aware of was the fact that Shepard's armor and weaponry was in the statue. As soon as they figured out how to break into Hock's vault, she'd be able to change into something that felt a little more comfortable.

"I look like a whore," she whispered.

"Actually, that dress is very becoming on you Commander. You look beautiful," she paused, "You might think about dressing like that more often. It certainly beats that drab orange thing you've been wearing."

"I'm a soldier," Shepard said. "I have been all my life. You'd be amazed how often looking beautiful doesn't play into my line of work." She shrugged. "You walk around with your face covered by that hood all the time because you're a thief and going unrecognized is important in your line of work. You don't want people to know who you are, am I right?"

"It's a little generalized," the other woman said, manipulating the controls in front of her, "but I wouldn't call it completely inaccurate."

"When I find myself in a hostile situation, the armor and the weaponry tells people what I am. It's a part of me. I almost feel naked without it."

Kasumi nodded. "I can understand that Shep," she said. Shepard winced. Alyssa had never been fond of nicknames. Of course, thanks to her line of work and her somewhat abrasive personality, the nicknames she was used to tended more along the lines of; Bitch, or Super Bitch. Mild as this one was, she decided to let it pass for the moment.

"Can I ask you a question Kasumi?" She wasn't sure why she felt so suddenly compelled to talk, but she did.

"Of course."

"Do you believe in God?"

There was a pause. "Ah," Kasumi said, "One of the difficult ones. I suppose I believe in something greater, something that the human spirit can aspire to. I've never really given it a name though."

Alyssa nodded. "I thought I did. I remember having a conversation about it with Ash aboard the Normandy before we went off to take down Saren. She was afraid I'd look down on her because she believed in God. I don't remember exactly what I said, something about atheists in foxholes, and she looked so relieved." Alyssa stopped for a moment, a soft wistful smile on her face as she remembered those tumultuous days leading up to the Battle of the Citadel. "Up until then, we'd never really gotten along. We were both stubborn and unbending. That conversation formed a connection though, and we actually became friends afterward."

"It's a nice story Shep, but I don't think you're really thinking about your friend right now, are you?"

"No."

"Is there something you want to talk about? We're still about twenty minutes out."

"No. Yes. I don't know. I've just… I don't know. Since Cerberus resurrected me, brought me back from wherever I was I've been thinking about my spirituality, thinking about who I am. I'm just not sure anymore. What if…"

"What if you're not Alyssa Shepard?" Kasumi asked bluntly, "What if you're just a pale copy? Is that what you're wondering?" Silence fell over the cabin for a moment.

"I guess I am." She thought about the hatred in Liara's eyes, the venom in her voice.

"I think that's something you have to work out on your own," Kasumi said sagely. "I'd love to help you out, but there's nothing I can tell you that's going to reassure you one way or the other. Have you thought about talking to Yeoman Chambers?" Kasumi asked. "She's trained to help people deal with emotional distress, she might be able to help you."

"She seems like a nice enough girl," Shepard said softly. Truth be told, she'd been thinking a lot about Kelly Chambers the last couple of days. She was so young, full of life and compassion. That would never be Alyssa Shepard. Her wounds had already scabbed over, healed as far as they ever would. She envied the younger girl. There were a whole host of reasons that Alyssa felt like talking to Kelly might be a bad idea. Her association with Cerberus was chief amongst them, but deep down, she found that she wanted to. "She's an official member of my crew though, under my command. Like the others on board, she's looking to me for leadership. How can she respect me enough to follow my lead if she learns…"

"What a mess you are Shep?" Kasumi asked quickly. When they got back to the Normandy, they were going to have to have a serious sit down about the Shep moniker. It didn't mean she wasn't right though.

"Yes," she relented.

"Well, you're talking to me and I don't respect you less. You want my advice Commander? Talk to Kelly Chambers about this. She might be able to help you."

Alyssa didn't respond. Instead, she simply went back to watching the city pass beneath them.

3.

Kelly was reading Commander Shepard's latest messages, enjoying a sandwich when she heard the sound of footfalls approaching. She glanced up to see Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor sitting down at her table. They appeared to be having a rather heated discussion. Kelly set her personal terminal down and decided to pay attention. If tempers were flaring, then it was her job to be aware of it and do what she could to ebb the tide.

"I just don't think this is a good idea," Miranda said. "Shepard's made no secret of the fact that she holds nothing but contempt for Cerberus and our ideals."

"Miranda," Jacob said. Kelly noticed that he was one of the few people on board who addressed her by her first name, at least to her face. It was obvious as she watched them interact further, that they had some kind of history together. She could see it in the way their eyes met and, more importantly, the way their eyes avoided each other sometimes. "We're not her babysitters. We can't hold her hand and follow her around every time she leaves the ship"

"The Illusive Man should have let me implant her with a control chip. She's too much of a loose cannon." Miranda took a bite of her sandwich.

"Well, he didn't," Jacob said bluntly, "So live with it."

"I don't think you need to worry," Kelly added, setting her personal terminal down on the table. She was doing her best to bring the decibel level of the argument down a little. A couple of others in the Mess had started watching their table. "Commander Shepard will come back. She may not care for Cerberus, but if there's one thing that her profile made perfectly clear, it's that when she says she'll do something, Commander Shepard always follows through."

"Besides," Jacob added, "You were there when we met with Councilor Anderson. The Alliance obviously isn't backing her. As far as she's concerned we're the only game in town. I for one trust the Commander."

"Trust her," Miranda replied darkly, "Or is it something else?"

"Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I've seen the way you look at her Jacob," Now she sounded irritated. "Let's just say that sometimes you're lacking professionalism." Miranda almost sounded a little jealous. She was looking directly at him now.

"I don't see how it matters," Jacob said defensively. "I'm free to look at anybody I want to. You made that perfectly clear."

This was getting a little out of hand and, Kelly couldn't help but feel that it was drifting quickly from the realm of relevance. Later she would sit down with each of them in private and try and hash out their issues, but this conversation was becoming less and less public-friendly with every word, and it probably wouldn't be long before it degenerated into all out verbal warfare. She'd been right though. There was obviously a history here.

"I'm not sure this is the best place for Commander Shepard's Executive Officer to be having a heated argument with a fellow officer Miss Lawson," Kelly said.

Miranda and Jacob both turned their heads and in their worlds it must have seemed as though everybody else in the Mess just arrived. Uncomfortable silence blanketed the table for a moment before the raven haired exec regained her composure and sat up a little straighter. "Yeoman Chambers is right," she said. "This conversation's over anyway." Without another word, she picked up her tray and left the Mess in favor of her private office.

"Thanks," Jacob said. "Thought things were gonna get a little messy there for a minute."

"Don't mention it," she said, tilting her head. "You two have something of a history don't you? An intimate history?"

He looked a little taken aback at first, but recovered quickly. "You could call it that, but it's not something I like to talk about."

Of course not, Kelly thought. How am I supposed to help anybody, or keep a gauge of the overall emotional state of the crew if nobody wants to talk to me?

The tall African American picked up his tray and left as well. Probably he was on his way up to the armory. He seemed to spend all of his time up there. He wasn't exactly antisocial, but he didn't go out of his way to mingle with others either. Miranda on the other hand seemed as antisocial as they come.

As she finished her meal, idly wondering about Commander Shepard's progress on the world below and hoping that the soldier was okay, she thought about stopping in Miranda's office and having a brief discussion with the Normandy's Second in Command. It could wait though. It was nearly time to contact her family. She could talk to the other woman afterward.

4.

Dressed once again in her yellow and black N-7 armor, Commander Alyssa Shepard was beginning to feel a little more comfortable with the situation. She had felt like a tramp in that little black dress but even worse, Alyssa had felt like a civilian. Breaking into Hock's vault had been a relatively easy affair. Of course a lot of the ease had come in the form of Kasumi's personal cloaking device. Shepard had seen them in use in military operations before, but most of them proved unreliable, and none were as sophisticated as the one the thief possessed. Later, if there was time, she'd have to ask her partner in crime about it. It had allowed them to impersonate Hock's security chief, and it had helped them gain access to his personal quarters where they'd gained the DNA sample they needed.

The elevator door slid open and Alyssa Shepard found herself in a large open room. Like one of the museums that she'd visited as a child, before the attack on her home that had taken everything from her and mapped out her future afterward, it was filled with what looked like valuable artifacts from cultures across the galaxy.

_This is where you belong Shepard. In a museum. _Liara's voice haunted her mind. _Here with the other artifacts from people and cultures whose time has passed._

"Quiet," Alyssa whispered.

"What?"

She looked up and saw Kasumi staring at her. "Did you say something Shep?"

Shepard shook her head, trying to focus herself. They had a job to do and this wasn't the time to be dealing with her ghosts and skeletons. "No," she said, "I was just thinking out loud.

The other woman nodded and started looking around the room, clearly impressed with the collection. As she looked at the various items, she began to talk, but Alyssa Shepard wasn't paying her much attention.

_You're dead. You're nothing._

"Shut up," she said, a little more loudly than she would have liked.

Once again her companion turned. "I'm sorry…"

For once it was Shepard's turn to cut the thief off. "It's not you, I'm just…" she trailed off with no really good way to finish that thought. To her relief, Kasumi didn't seem intent on pressing the matter. She simply continued weaving between the displays intent on recovering whatever it was she was here for.

_She thinks you're going crazy, _Liara's voice taunted, _and I think she's right._

"You're just a voice in my head," she whispered.

_And what does that say about the state of affairs in your head Alyssa?_

She closed her eyes for a moment, attempting to refocus herself but instead having the opposite effect. As soon as the darkness surrounded her a figure appeared. It was Liara. She was standing before Alyssa naked, reminding her of the first night they'd made love, the night before they'd gone after Saren. There was a sad smile on her face.

"You hate me for saying the things that I've said," she whispered softly, approaching Shepard. "You think I say them out of hate and malice," she reached out, gently stroking Alyssa's cheek. It felt so real. "It's quite the opposite."

Alyssa took a sudden breath as she realized that, like the ghost of her former lover, she was also standing naked in the darkness. "Please leave me alone," she pleaded, a tear running down her cheek.

"I'm doing what I'm doing because I'm trying to help you," she continued as though the blond hadn't said anything. "Liara loved Shepard more than anything," she stepped closer, placing a hand on the Commander's bare hip.

"I still love her," Alyssa whispered, wanting nothing more than an end to her agony.

"How can you say that?" Liara asked. As she spoke her warm and soothing tones completely failed to match the intent behind her words. Without realizing it Alyssa had wrapped her arms around the mental ghost of her lover, pulling their bodies together. She felt gentle fingers running through her hair. "You're very existence is an insult to that love."

"What do I do?" Alyssa was starting to sob. "I just don't know. I'm so tired."

"Then bring this to an end Alyssa, or whatever you are," Liara consoled. "You have the power to end this yourself."

"What about the people under my command, the people I care about? What will…"

"Shh," Liara placed a gentle finger on Alyssa's lips. "They'll fare without you Alyssa, as they were meant to. You've done all you can for them. It's time to rest and find peace." Without another word, Liar leaned in and kissed Alyssa warmly on the lips. Unable to stop herself, Alyssa Shepard leaned into the kiss, embracing it with every fiber of her being, wanting nothing more than to lose herself in that moment for the rest of her life…

…Opening her eyes, she found herself back in the ad hoc museum.

"Got it Shep, now let's get…"

The sound of alarm klaxons cut the thief off, and Hock's voice began to play over the intercom. He told them that he was aware of what they were doing and security was on the way.

"Damn it!" Kasumi shouted. "Shep, we need to get out of…"

It was turning into a day where sentences seemed destined to die halfway through their existence as the large doors on the opposite side of the room opened up. Hock's security forces poured into the room as Shepard and Kasumi sought for cover behind the displays.

_You can end this._

Without thinking, her head full of too many conflicting emotions and ideas to make clear thought possible, Alyssa Shepard forsake her cover, readied her shotgun and ran right out into the thick of things.

"Shepard!" she heard Kasumi shout, "No!"

It was too late though. As she ran out amidst the weapons fire, discharging her own every opportunity she got, a part of her was hoping that one or more of the security force's blasts would find its way to her, ending her agony.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Coming to Terms Part II"

1.

When Kelly Chambers found herself standing in the port observation cabin again, alone this time, it might have been the first time in the last several days that her mind wasn't focused on Commander Alyssa Shepard. As nervous as she was about speaking to her family again, the young woman could at least be thankful for that. It had been, by Kelly's reckoning, a little over a year since she'd spoken to her parents and, aside from the occasional email, slightly longer since she'd spoken to her sister. She wanted to think that it wasn't all about the guilt she felt regarding Zack's death, but she just couldn't bring herself to believe it. There was a part of her, buried so far down that it might never be completely exorcised, that felt his loss was her responsibility to bear and nobody else's. Closing her eyes to steady her mind, trying as hard as she could to imagine a scenario wherein this conversation went well, she took a deep breath.

Up until now she'd been able to put these thoughts out of her head, allow her work and her uncertain feelings toward Commander Shepard consume her mind. This had been something she could put off then, something she didn't have to think about because, secretly she'd hoped it would never happen. Now that the moment was here, Kelly was terrified. Unfortunately it was something she couldn't put off any longer. Kasumi had been right. She wanted them to know that she loved them, that she wasn't avoiding them because that had changed. By the same token, as adept as she was at getting people to open up to her, she just couldn't bring herself to open up to anybody on the subject of her brother. So when he'd died Kelly had started avoiding her family because she had known exactly what they would want to talk about and she just wasn't ready. If time healed all wounds then Kelly felt she'd have to live to be a thousand before she could begin to shed her pain. Still, like she'd told the thief earlier, she would much rather know that they were alive even if they hated her, then have them fall to the impending Reaper invasion.

"I guess it's now or never," she whispered, opening her eyes, casting an idle glance toward the surface of Bekenstein hovering in the lower half of the viewport. She vaguely wondered how Commander Shepard and Kasumi were doing down there, hoping they both were okay.

Slowly, trying to keep herself steady with every step, she walked toward the counter, toward the communications interface that Kasumi had set up for her. Kasumi had set it up to make it as easy as possible for Kelly to use which was a relief because in her current state of nervous anticipation, Yeoman Chambers was unsure that she would be capable of anything too complex. Her family was already expecting her so all she had to do was log in the communications coordinates and the interface would do the rest, concealing both the location and identity of both the receiver and the recipient.

One more deep breath later, Kelly was entering the required information into the interface. The screen remained dark for a moment before it came to life. For a moment, that seemed to last well into a second eternity, a simple loading message played across the screen. Afterward, Kelly found herself looking at her mother, father for the first time in well over a year.

For a time there was only an awkward blanket of silence hovering over the two parties, the kind of silence that makes somebody desperate to say anything just to break it. Remembering how she had caved earlier when she'd spoken to Kasumi, Kelly held her ground, waiting for somebody else to make the first move.

"It's good to see you Kelly," it was her mother who spoke first. There was a grim smile on her face, the kind of smile Kelly normally saw on the face of somebody who was extremely sad and thought that they were much better at hiding it. Her mother looked somehow older too. It wasn't in the wrinkles that were just starting to form around her dark green eyes, or the thin streaks of silver in her otherwise red hair. Her eyes themselves looked much older than they had less than two years ago.

Kelly forced her own smile, and pulled the barstool behind her up so that she could sit down. "Hi mom. Hi dad. Where's Becky?"

"She's here," her father said. The sound of his strong voice instantly brought back childhood memories. Suddenly her vision was flooded with images of him playing with her, laughing, and comforting her when she was sad. For all of her emotional control, Kelly nearly broke down. Somehow though, she managed to hold back the tears, although she did sniffle quietly. "She's just dealing with one of those damned dogs of hers."

She couldn't help the nervous laugh that escaped, although she tried very hard. Unlike her mother, her dad didn't look a day older then he had the last time she'd seen him. Even though he was getting older, he still had a prominent inner strength. His dark brown hair was thinning, but his eyes were still full of life.

"I swear she brings them along just to annoy me."

Another nervous laugh.

There were so many things that she wanted to say, so many things that she wanted to tell them, so why couldn't she speak. When she tried her voice seemed to catch in her throat. Suddenly her throat felt dry and tight.

"I think," her mother added, addressing her father, "she brings them along because she can't seem to get them away from you when she's here, and she enjoys the rest. You know you love those dogs Chris." He rolled his eyes, but a guilty smile played across his lips.

"It's so good to see you guys again," Kelly finally managed.

"Really?" her mother tilted her head ever so slightly. "If it's so good, I'd think you'd try it a little more often." There wasn't any real malice behind the comment, but if she'd meant it to make Kelly feel guilty it was working.

"I want to," she responded quietly. "I really do, it's just hard to get away."

"From what?" her mother asked. "What exactly are you doing anyway?"

"I…"

Her father cut in, "Jill, I'm sure that whatever she's doing, it's important…"

Now it was her mother's turn to cut in again, "Important or not, we paid for her education, don't we deserve to know how it's being put to use? If it's so important, don't you think she'd want to tell us about it?"

The only thing in the world, aside from anything to do with Zack's death, that Kelly hated more than listening to her parents fight, was listening to them fight about her. They'd been married for a long time, thirty-five years and, despite the current evidence, Kelly knew they were an extremely happy couple, but they were always so divided on so many issues. She could remember the first time she'd told them that she'd kissed a boy, and the first time she'd told them that she'd kissed a girl for that matter. Her father had always been supportive of her in all of her life's endeavors. Her mother, on the other hand, had always been a little more critical. Oh, she was proud of her daughter, both of her daughters in fact, but in her own way. Every success that she'd ever had had in life had brought with it a little bit of praise from her mother, and a lot of advice on how to do whatever it was that she was doing just a little bit better.

"I wish I could tell you mother, but I can't. Confidentiality clauses and all," that much was true at least. Maybe she could get through this without lying to them. Right now, she wanted nothing more.

"We understand honey," her father said warmly, "You have to understand, it's just hard not seeing you."

"I know dad. It's hard for me too." That was true too, in its own way. It was funny how, even though she was a grown woman now living her own life, seeing her parents again could still make her feel like a small child. "Let's change the subject," she offered, hoping her sister showed up soon, "tell me what's been going on in your lives while I've been away."

Her mother, albeit somewhat reluctantly, went along with the shift in topic, "Well, I finally talked your father into retiring."

Kelly's eyes went wide in genuine surprise. Her father had been a programmer, and he'd loved his job. She had been certain he would be doing it until the day that he died. "Really? How exactly did mom get you to go along with that dad?"

"Your mother, as I'm sure you're well aware, is an extremely persuasive woman," he said, wrapping an arm around his wife and pulling her closer. "She said it was time to start spending more time together and I agreed. I've offered my services if they ever find themselves overwhelmed, but I decided that at my time of life, it's time to start spending my time with the ones I care about."

Why did that feel like a sucker punch to the gut? Kelly wondered. She knew he hadn't meant it as a slight to her, but part of her couldn't help but take it that way. She wanted to spend her time with them, well mostly, and would have given anything to make her current circumstances unnecessary, but life was life. It didn't always turn out the way you wanted it to. Though it hadn't set in until he had made his remark, Kelly was starting to really understand that, whether they accomplished their mission or not, this might be the last time she would see the people she had spent the first twenty years of her life with.

That's when it slipped out, "I love you both." Though she meant it, she hadn't actually meant to voice it, and she certainly hadn't meant to let her voice crack when she said it.

She felt her mother's appraising eyes on her again. "Are you sure everything's alright Kelly?"

She nodded, turning her eyes from the small camera above the screen for a moment so that they would not be able to see the tear running down her cheek.

"I'm fine," she finally said as her composure returned. "I just have a lot going on right now and sometimes it seems a little overwhelming."

"Did I miss anything?" She heard Rebecca Chambers' voice an instant before her sister came into view. Though they were far from twins, Rebecca was two years older, one couldn't help but notice the similarities. Rebecca was a few inches taller and had just a little more weight on her bones. She also wore her auburn hair long, letting it fall loosely over her shoulders, but it would take a blind man not to realize that the two were sisters. "Kelly," she said when she glanced at her parents' screen.

"Hi Beck," she said, using the nickname she'd adopted for her sister when they were younger. "Are the dogs all taken care of?"

"Yeah, sorry about that," she watched as her sister took a seat near their parents, "I wanted to be here right away when you called, but Devon was hearing a slightly different call."

"It's okay," Kelly was relieved to have her sister on the line as well.

"So, what'd I miss?" she leaned forward in her seat.

2.

"I have to say Shep," Kasumi said as they boarded the Normandy's shuttle, the thief helping Shepard limp up the ramp, "I've never seen anybody fight like that and live to tell about it."

For Alyssa Shepard, the last forty-five minutes were little more than a blur of tangled images in her mind. For the life of her she couldn't recall any specifics from the firefight and, more importantly, she couldn't remember what fool thoughts had been running through her mind. Like the ancient warriors of legend, she'd been little more than a berserker in range, firing her shots and, when she got close enough to her opponents, clubbing them with the same weapon. It was little more than dumb luck that the wound on her leg, where a couple of shots had pierced the armor plating, was the worst of her injuries.

Taking a deep breath, fully aware of the pain that was going to follow, she forced herself away from the hooded thief, forced her damaged leg to support her full weight. It was more than pride that kept her from crying out. It was the anger and rage that she felt at herself for being so damned stupid and, hell she could admit it, suicidal. The one thing that she knew for certain, the only fragmented memory that she had from the melee, was the fact that she had gone in completely ready to die, to be cut down by the in house mercenary forces of a scumbag like Donovan Hock. That fact scared her to death.

Slowly, wincing with every step, Shepard made her way to the cockpit. A grateful sigh of relief escaped her lips as she took a seat and relieved the pressure on her leg.

It wasn't long before Kasumi came up beside her and sat down in the copilot's chair. "I just tried to commit suicide," Shepard whispered so quietly that her companion couldn't quite hear.

"What?"

Alyssa wasn't speaking for Kasumi's benefit though, and so she continued on as though she were the only person in the confined space of the cockpit. "It wouldn't have been any different if I'd stood myself up in front of a firing squad."

"How's the leg?" Kasumi asked, resigned to the fact that Shepard's monologue was in no danger of becoming a dialogue.

As if she'd been pulled from a trance, Shepard turned toward her companion. There was a brief silence before it registered on Alyssa that Kasumi had asked her a question. "Hurt's like a bitch," she finally said, "but I'll live."

I'll live, she thought to herself. How had she turned into this? Two and a half years ago, before her suffocating body had broken the atmosphere of whatever world she'd crashed down on, Alyssa Shepard had been sure of herself to the point of arrogance. It was a fact that she could admit to herself even then. The point was that she'd been so certain of her actions, of her motives, and most importantly, her decisions. Maybe it was arrogance, but Alyssa had known that any choice she made was the right one because she had made it. Even the choices that had ended badly had been the correct ones at the time.

The worst of those had come on the world of Virmire. Alyssa had been faced with an impossible choice after she'd chased Saren away from his base of operations. It was a decision that had ended the life of Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko. She'd felt terrible about it afterwards, at least in so far as her attention to the broader mission would allow her emotions any latitude, but not once had she ever doubted her decision. As tragic as it had been, Alyssa had done what needed to be done, made the choice that no commanding officer should ever have to make.

Now all she had were her doubts. Alyssa Shepard was a wreck of a woman. What the hell had Cerberus been thinking. They'd wanted to bring her back exactly as she was, but Alyssa had trouble believing that was even possible. How could somebody come back from the dead, come back from years of, what seemed to Shepard to have been nothingness, and ever hope to be the same person again? Sure, her body was in peak physical condition, aside from the slight scarring that had been caused by her early awakening and of course the armor piercing rounds lodged in her leg, but what about the mind? What about the soul? Did it even exist? If it didn't, then what was this all about? What was she fighting for? The Illusive man wanted her to recruit a team and take them through the Omega Four Relay on what loosely amounted to a suicide mission. He wanted her to be the same strong, decisive woman she had been when she had fought Sovereign, via his link to Saren, aboard the Citadel, and she wasn't sure she would ever be that woman again.

A significant part of her wished that the enemy's weapons had done a lot more than simply hit her in the leg.

"I said shall we head back to the Normandy?"

Shepard blinked and turned toward Kasumi. The thief was giving her one of those quiet looks, studying her.

Alyssa nodded, and turned her attention toward the controls.

"Let's go home," she said.

3.

They'd been talking for about twenty minutes and Rebecca's presence had done a lot to push Kelly into a more comfortable frame of mind. Ironically it was Rebecca who also shattered that calm.

"So, you seeing anybody sis?"

The question caught Kelly completely off guard and for a few seconds all she could do was stare at the screen in surprise.

Not exactly, Kelly thought to herself. Finally her resolve returned and she tried to offer up a comfortable smile to ease the sudden tension, "No, I'm not seeing anybody."

A sly grin crossed Rebecca's lips, "but there's somebody you're interested in, isn't there? I know you too well Kelly, I know what that look means."

A million thoughts that Kelly had been trying to avoid, all about Commander Shepard, began to resurface again. Truth be told, Rebecca was right. Alyssa Shepard was a strong woman, somebody wholly devoted to doing the right thing, and Kelly admired that about her a great deal and yes, she had unresolved feelings toward the Commander. So, was she interested in Shepard? The answer was yes. Was anything likely to come of her interest? Probably not. It would be inappropriate on almost every level. Still, she knew that there was no way she could lie to her sister about this. She'd be called out in an instant.

Leaning back a bit, hoping the distance from the camera would make it harder for her insightful sibling to read her face she admitted, "Yes, there's somebody I'm interested in."

"I knew it!" Rebecca said enthusiastically. "Come on Kelly spill the beans! Who is it? What are they like?"

Her parents were smiling too, even her mother. "You're far too engrossed in your work, just like your father," Jill Chambers said warmly, hugging him tightly as she spoke, "I think a relationship might be exactly what you need to pull you out of it a little. Your father would spend twenty-four hours a day in that office if it weren't for me."

She smiled lightly. Things had been going so well. There were two things that Kelly had been actively trying to avoid in conversation. The first was anything related to her brother's death, and the second was anything related to Commander Shepard. Once again fleeting images from her dream played quickly across her mind.

"She's strong and confident and," Kelly added, "very beautiful."

"A woman," her mother said. There was no disapproval in her voice though. She, like the rest of Kelly's family had long ago come to accept and support her bisexual nature. "And is she…" Jill's eyebrows arched, and it was clear what she meant.

"You know, I'm not even sure," Kelly said, only realizing it herself for the first time. It was something that up until now, she hadn't really given a lot of thought to. Shepard's profile, thorough as it was, had little to say on the Commander's previous relationships, or even if she'd had any. All that she really knew was that Commander Shepard had been in a close relationship with Doctor T'Soni. Because the gender neutral Asari tended to resemble the human female form, Kelly had just assumed. "I really don't know," she said again, a little more quietly this time.

"Well, have you talked to her?" Rebecca asked. The older sibling was leaning forward in her chair now resting her chin in her palm, her face the picture of attentiveness.

"A little," Kelly said, once again being honest. "She's my superior though." That was also true.

"Wow, a dirty little office affair," Becky said a little too enthusiastically, "kinky."

"Rebecca," their mother chided.

"What? I think it's great. I think you should go for it Kelly. You only live once."

"Suddenly you're the one to be giving relationship advice?" their mother asked quizzically.

"Hey! That's a low blow Mom! Leon was…"

"Ladies," their father broke in, trying to keep the situation from getting any further out of hand, "I think you're forgetting why we're actually here."

Kelly was grateful that her father had broken up the rather uncomfortable argument about her love life, but she wasn't thrilled about the subject that was about to come up. It was what she'd been dreading since she turned on the com-link.

"We went to see him today Kelly; your mother, your sister and I."

4.

Alyssa was not all that surprised to see Miranda Lawson waiting in the hanger deck when they landed aboard the Normandy. She would have been even more surprised if The Illusive Man's loyal lapdog hadn't been counting the minutes, waiting to see if Shepard returned, or if she used the opportunity away from her handlers to go rogue. Something inside told her that the raven-haired bitch might have been more satisfied if she had tried to flee. Alyssa had been fighting with Miranda since they boarded the shuttle on Lazarus Station, and they'd probably be fighting until the day that one of them kicked it. It was simply part of the nature of the universe.

"Surprised to see me?" Alyssa asked, running a hand through her short blond hair, and making it a point not to show any discomfort over her wound. It surprised even her that she could go from broken to abrasive in nearly no time at all, and offered her the tiniest amount of hope as well.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't Shepard."

"Miranda here thought you'd be off and running the first chance you got," Jacob said as he stepped through the door. "She was like watching a trapped cat claw at its cage." His voice was filled with humor. In all honesty, Shepard couldn't bring herself to hate Jacob Taylor, despite his ties to an organization that she despised. She supposed that, in a funny way, he reminded her of herself, at least before she'd taken a leave of absence from the land of the living. Jacob was guarded, something she could identify with, and he was a soldier through and through. They might never be best friends, but she found herself respecting him more and more as time went by.

"Sorry to disappoint," Shepard said as she stepped down firmly onto the deck.

"What happened to your leg?" Miranda asked critically.

"Sorry to damage Cerberus property," she retorted quickly. "You can send me the bill."

"It's not like that Shepard," Miranda said quickly. "Really, I'm glad you came back, I really am. It's just hard to trust somebody who openly criticizes your ideals and beliefs."

"In this life," Shepard said stoically, "We all have to learn to do things we'd rather not Miranda. Get used to it."

Kasumi emerged from the shuttle and stepped down.

Shepard didn't say anything else, the encounter having drained away her defiance. In silence she left the two Cerberus operatives and the thief to make her way to the infirmary, hoping that Doctor Chakwas wouldn't make her explain the exact details behind her injury.

5.

They spent the next several minutes talking about Zack, remembering the good times and the bad before Kelly realized that their time was running out. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she realized with a start that they had been talking for the better part of an hour and a half. It was much more time then she had expected to spend.

"I wish I could have been there today," she finally said, doing her best to bring the conversation to an end.

"If it was important…"

"Mom," Rebecca chided. "I know Kelly would have been here if she could have."

Kelly could only nod. This entire conversation was beginning to take its toll on her. "I really would have," she affirmed. "I'm glad we got to speak today though."

"Well, next time don't let so much time pass," her mother said. "We love you and we miss you Kelly."

"I love you all too."

She was about to shut down the link when her sister motioned for her to hold up. "Can I have a couple minutes with my sister alone?" she asked, addressing the question to their parents.

Their mother and father nodded, smiled at Kelly one more time, and got up to leave the room.

"Thanks for your help," Kelly offered, "I appre -"

"I want you to shut up and listen to me for a minute Kelly, because I'm your sister and I love you and you're being an incredibly selfish bitch." The change in Rebecca's tone was so sudden that Kelly nearly fell out of her chair.

"I –".

"I supported you in front of our parents because it felt like the right thing to do, and I didn't think it was fair for everybody to gang up on you at once, but mom's right, you really should have been here."

"But I –".

"Maybe you really couldn't make it today, and maybe you could. Only you know for sure, but that certainly doesn't account for last year, or the year before. You always seem to have something come up when the anniversary of Zack's death comes around. You think you're the only one who loved him? The only one who misses him so much that they still cry into their pillow every once in a while when they think about him? Because I have news for you Kelly, you're not."

"But if I'd –"

"You gonna try and tell me Zack's death was your fault, because that's a load of bullshit and you know it Kelly. Zack was a grown man and, misguided as he might have been, he made his own choice. He knew what might happen."

Rebecca paused for a moment, and her tone softened, "We've all blamed ourselves for it at one time or another Kelly, especially mom. She's sure it was her fault, but you'd know that if you ever took time away from your damned job to stop home. My god Kelly! In the last three years you couldn't find just a few days to come by and look in on them?"

"I wanted to, but –"

"Yeah," Rebecca definitely wasn't in the mood to let her sister finish a full thought. "I know. It's your job. Whatever the hell it is you're doing out there Kelly, it had better be damned important. You used to know what family was, used to know how to relate to us. For a counselor, you don't seem to have much of a bead on the ones your supposed to be closest to."

"Rebecca, that's not fair!"

"Maybe it's not, but neither is the fact that I've already lost a brother, and I feel like I'm losing a sister." She stopped for just a second, but continued on before Kelly could interject. "I've said what I needed to say. I love you Kelly, but I'm not sure how much I like you right now. I just hope it's all worth it."

Before she could say anything else to her sister, the screen went dark, leaving Kelly to her own thoughts, but only for a moment. The door slid open and Kasumi walked in.

"I'm guessing from the expression on your face that things didn't go as well as you would have liked," the thief said, walking over the couch and sitting down.

"That's an understatement," Kelly said, still reeling from the personal assault she'd just endured. "A really, really big understatement."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Kelly stood up, "Thank you for setting this up for me Kasumi. You were right, I needed to see them at least one more time." Her emotions were so focused on fighting each other that they seemed to have forgotten about Kelly altogether and all she felt was an intense numbness deep in the pit of her stomach.

"I stand by what I said earlier too. If we stop the Reapers, save their lives," she paused as she approached the door, "Then it was worth it."

She was about to step through when Edi, the Normandy's artificial intelligence spoke. Kelly turned toward the panel stretching out from the wall near the door, and watched a transparent blue sphere pop into existence.

"Yeoman Chambers," the decidedly feminine voice of the Normandy said, "Commander Shepard requests your presence in the conference room."


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"**Coming to Terms"**

**Part III**

**1.**

Although her eyes were trained on the wall of the conference room, the mind of Alyssa Shepard was a thousand light years away. It was more than simple distance though. In an attempt to escape the self-doubt of her current situation, her thoughts had taken her on a trip to the past. Once again she found herself standing on Mindoir. Unlike the last time she'd been here, Alyssa was only a visitor now. The time when she might have made a difference here had long since passed. Maybe if she'd been stronger or quicker Shepard could have done something differently here. If only she'd had her N7 training to back her up instead of a sixteen-year-old girl's education. It's unlikely she could have saved everybody, not against a Batarian raiding party, but she might have been able to save some. Moot point that it might be, Commander Shepard couldn't help but speculate.

"So this is where you grew up? I always wondered what it might be like." Shaken by the familiar voice, Shepard turned to see Liara T'Soni standing next to her. She was wearing the same white and green lab gear she'd been wearing when they'd rescued her. Her arms were crossed defiantly over her chest and the somewhat arrogant look on her face was something Alyssa was unaccustomed to. Liara's head turned from side to side as she took in her surroundings. "Small wonder it fell to the Batarians so easily. Minimal defensive systems and a small garrison of rested and lazy soldiers." Her gaze turned, her eyes locking on Shepard's, "I'm surprised Mindoir stood for as long as it did."

"Is there a reason you're here?" Alyssa asked, steeling herself with the knowledge that this wasn't really Liara. This woman, insofar as appearance was concerned at least, standing next to her was a construct of her own broken mind. It was all of the negative feelings she had personified. Earlier today this specter had tried to get Shepard to give in to her own grief. It had failed, but largely because Kasumi had been quick on her feet.

Aside from the ghost of Christmas past standing next to her, the memory felt so real. Shepard could almost feel the arid summer heat, could almost feel the sweat dripping from her forehead. Mindoir might not have been locked in the stone-age, but it certainly wasn't the lap of luxury either. She could clearly remember what it had been like on those muggy summer days when their living unit's climate control had been on the fritz. As rough as it had been at times, Alyssa sometimes missed it.

"I simply wanted to see where my love was born," she smiled in that way that Liara had and, for a moment, Shepard could almost forget that it wasn't really her Asari lover standing beside her. T'Soni nodded her head. "A little warm for my taste but nice none the less." She paused. "Rustic," she finally added.

Shepard rolled her eyes and started walking, only now noticing that this bastardization of Liara had taken her hand. "You think I'm not real, that I'm just some messed up portion of your own mind."

"That sums it up pretty well," Alyssa said, pulling her hand away.

"That's not entirely true you know," the Asari said, "Is that where you went to school?" She was pointing at a tall structure, at least by the standards of any other nearby building. It stood two stories tall. Like most of the housing units the school had been built from a kit. It also doubled as the colony's government building. It was lined with windows on both floors, and when the sun hit it just right, the grey metal seemed to shine. The courtyard was filled with students and teachers enjoying their free period. To Alyssa it had always seemed more a prison then a place of learning. To be fair, Shepard had always enjoyed learning, but she preferred to do so by doing. Somehow taking the information from a terminal, or an instructor who had taken the information from a terminal, cheapened the knowledge. Intelligence and wisdom, in her eyes, were things to be earned, not given.

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked, glancing back at her unwanted companion.

"I mean," The blue woman began, "is this where you learned –"

"The other thing," Alyssa shot back before Liara could finish. "What did you mean when you said that's not entirely true."

There was a pause before Liara continued rather lazily, "When Asari mate, they join in body and mind."

"I know that," Shepard said impatiently, "What's your point?" She was becoming annoyed.

"Well, when they join, their bodies and mind become one for a time," Liara stepped closer to Shepard and took her hand. "You remember how pleasant that can be, right?" she whispered, her other hand drifting down the side of Alyssa's body. "You remember how wonderful it feels?" she was breathing in Shepard's ear now.

The blond tore herself away. "Once again, get to the point!"

"I tried to explain this before, but you just wouldn't listen." Liara shook her head disdainfully, "You've always been so stubborn Alyssa. I guess maybe that's one of the things I love about you. It reminds me a little of Benezia." Alyssa rolled her eyes again. "When the joining ends, a small piece of each person is left with the other. The more two partners join, the more potent that piece becomes. The more connected the couple becomes. I may be partly you, but she is in here too, whether you choose to believe it or not, and she's extremely sad for you right now."

"Save it," Alyssa said. "I don't need your pity." She made a show of walking off, toward the building. "You tried to kill me!" she shouted, throwing her hands up in the air.

Despite her somewhat harsh view of the learning process, there were times when she would have given anything to be back within those walls. Life had been so much simpler then. Her daily routine hadn't consisted of making life and death decisions that could come back to change the fate of the entire galaxy. Mostly said routine had consisted of spending her days outside skinning her knees and getting into just the right amount of trouble, and then rushing to get her homework done before she went to bed for the night. Maybe life had seemed somewhat constrictive back then, but she couldn't help but feel it would be a relief to retreat back into that life, to leave behind the cosmic struggle.

She was supposed to be humanity's best chance against the Reapers and the Collectors? What a joke. Yet despite her own misgivings, Cerberus had believed in her enough to spend two years and millions of credits to wrench her back from the jaws of oblivion. The very idea was ludicrous to Alyssa, like something out of a badly written sci-fi holo. She'd nearly gotten herself killed leading a an assault on a second rate weapon dealer's vault, and she was supposed to lead a team of specialists through the Omega Four Relay and into God only knew what. If the situation weren't so serious Shepard might have laughed.

If there really was a god, If Alyssa Shepard's life truly was in the hands of some great cosmic power, then maybe this was her penance. If Heaven and Hell existed, if there was an afterlife, then maybe this was it. Maybe Alyssa Shepard had died, gone down with her ship, and her soul was destined to spend eternity in constant struggle. She'd been far from perfect, and she'd definitely done things that she wasn't proud of, so maybe she was paying for that now. Maybe this world of depression and self-doubt, so similar to the world she had known and yet so drastically different, was her own personal Hell.

The sun loomed large in the cloudless blue sky overhead. It was noon now. That meant that the morning classes were nearing their end. On any other day, there would have been an hour and a half of free time before afternoon classes began. This was the one day in Mindoir's history when things had played out differently. After today, nothing would ever play out the same again for anybody unfortunate enough to be here. She watched the people outside as they went about their daily business. To them it was still a day just like any other. It would still be a few minutes before most of them began to live in their last precious moments.

"They have no idea," a voice whispered softly beside her.

Shepard allowed her irritation at Liara's presence to pass through her. "How could they?" Shepard started walking toward the building, but in the blink of an eye her surroundings shifted.

Now she was standing in the back of that classroom, near the windows. The sun was shining in and right now everything was as it should be. Her class was small, only six other students and every one of them seemed to be doing their best to remain awake as the instructor lectured on in that drab monotone she had been so certain they practiced in front of the mirror. From her vantage point, she could see her younger self. Young Alyssa had her long blond hair tied back in a ponytail and was using her hand to hold her chin up in a barely successful run at staying awake. The lecture itself was lost to time. On her left sat Kendra her best friend. The young brunette was doing a much better job of absorbing the lecture than Alyssa. It was one thing she would always remember about her friend, that passion for knowledge and her ability to learn and adapt quickly.

"She's very attractive," Liara said softly, gesturing toward the other student.

"You don't get to talk about her," Shepard said bluntly. There was no anger in her voice, but it was as firm and resolute as it had ever been in her life.

The representation of Liara simply nodded.

It was strange. When the air raid sirens began to blare, when the explosions from nearby buildings and weapons fire began to shake the building, there was a brief instant of calm. It was as though nobody honestly believed anything was happening. Up until now Mindoir had been a peaceful place. It was like they couldn't process the fact that an attack was happening. Shepard watched her younger self as the commotion broke out. She watched as the sixteen-year-old girl she had once been made eye contact with Kendra. Shepard could remember the exchange perfectly. Her memory was far from eidetic but that moment would remain with her until the day she died and, she realized now, apparently well beyond that as well. Alyssa remembered doing her best to reassure Kendra, to show her that everything was going to be okay.

It wouldn't of course. The Batarians were ruthless, wholly without mercy or compassion. The bastards would take anybody they felt they could turn a profit on. Most of the people they left behind would be either dead or dying. Some of the women and girls would be violated and then, if their assailant was feeling particularly sated, murdered and put out of their misery. Their used bodies would be left, naked and bloodied, in a silent monument to their time here.

Shepard could remember how terrified she'd been during the attack, how helpless she'd felt and it wall all she could do to keep from reliving those emotions in full force. If she could have, the marine would have run up to her younger self and Kendra, taken them in her arms and whisked them away to safety. Obviously she couldn't though. All she could do was watch as everything unfolded.

"I've never felt as helpless or useless in as I did in that moment," she said softly. "After the attack I swore I'd never feel that way again." Alyssa was speaking more to herself than her unwanted companion, but when she felt a soft, reassuring hand on her shoulder, she chose not to pull away from it.

"And you kept that promise." Liara, or whatever she was, stepped up beside her. "There was nothing you could have done Alyssa," she said soothingly. "If you'd tried you would have died like the others."

The blond shook her head slowly. "I wish that made me feel better." It was strange to be having this quiet moment of reflection against the chaos and pandemonium that was breaking out around them.

The students were all on their feet now, but she had to hand it to their instructor. He had known how to lead, how to take charge of a situation. He was doing his best to keep everybody calm and collected and was doing a very good job overall. Unfortunately that was when another explosion hit nearby. The ground shook violently around them. Books were knocked from their shelves and pictures fell from the wall. People began to scream and cry out. Through the window behind her, she could see that several nearby buildings were burning with a hot red glow. As this went on, she tried very hard not to think about what was happening to her parents right now. In an effort to stave off those thoughts, she continued to focus on the image of her younger self.

The next minutes were a blur in her memory, a sickening cacophony of panicked screams, weapons fire, and explosions. The fear had been palpable, and extremely contagious. They were out in the hall now and, although Mr. Kennedy had done an exemplary job in keeping them ordered and organized despite their desperation, many of the other teachers had been decidedly less successful. The walkways were filled with people trying to rush this way and that, their bodies tangling. Some were knocked to the floor and trampled. That was when Alyssa had lost her group.

Overwhelmed, needing to escape the escalading pile up of people trying to flee, She'd found her way into a utility closet and locked the door shut behind her. Unable to think, she had curled up on the floor, her hands around her knees as she tried to make herself as small and unnoticed as she could. At the time she couldn't be sure how much time had passed. It could have been minutes, hours, even days and she wouldn't have known the difference. In the darkness, a thin metallic door her only barrier against the screams of horror and pain, her own anxiety had grown. In some ways it was worse than being out in the onslaught. Unable to see what was happening, her imagination had taken full reign.

When the door opened and she saw the man reaching out toward her the first thing she did, Alyssa's first instinct, was to lunge at him in an attempt to knock him to the ground so that she could escape. When he took hold of her, and others came in for support, she'd flailed and screamed and cursed him over and over again. In the end it had taken three of the soldiers to completely subdue her and convince the screaming young woman that they were there to help.

"Three grown men to take down on young woman," Liara sounded impressed. "You've always been a fighter, haven't you?"

Shepard didn't respond. She knew that the worst was yet to come and she was bracing herself in preparation for the memory of what had happened next.

The help, if it could be called that, was too little and far too late. By the time the Alliance had arrived, Mindoir had been devastated, the population reduced to a fraction of its former total. It had taken a while for her to calm down enough to accept the soldiers' help, and longer still to wrap her mind around what had happened. It had been, she would learn, almost a day and a half since she had locked herself in that closet. Now, as she looked around, she saw the results of the devastating attack, saw what would have happened to her if she had stayed with her group in their attempt to reach the shelter.

They hadn't made it. In fact, it didn't seem as though anybody had made it out of the school. Bodies lay burnt and broken in piles throughout the hall. The smell was far worse than the sight though. Sometimes on special occasions her father would grill hamburgers or steaks outside over a fire. Alyssa had loved the smell. Her mouth would always water when she thought about how good that meal was going to be. The school smelled a little too much like that for her taste. Instead of making her mouth water, it had made her wretch violently, losing anything her stomach had left in it all over her shoes. The aroma she had once savored was making her sick. She doubled over several more times as the soldiers led her through the aftermath of the attack.

Shepard followed her young counterpart in silence, feeling every ounce of the pain that the sixteen-year-old was experiencing. As they walked, she was all too aware that Liara was still following closely behind, but she didn't care anymore. Let her follow. Maybe she was just a deranged portion of Shepard's own mind, and maybe she was in part a piece of the real Liara. In the end, what did it really matter? She was here all the same and she obviously wasn't going anywhere.

The soldiers were nice enough, but it was painfully clear that dealing with distraught civilians didn't figure largely into their training, at least not on a personal level. They tried though. One of them in particular, the man that she had tried to knock over in her bid for escape did his best to comfort her. Nothing they could do or say would be enough though. It would be years, Shepard now knew, before she would be able to put this atrocity behind her. Perhaps a part of her never would. The worst part of her trek through the battered school was yet to come. Doubling over with dry heaves, her eyes focused on something in her periphery.

Her body was laid out apart from the others as though it had been casually tossed aside. The exposed flesh was charred and black in places and Alyssa swore she could smell it from where she'd been standing that day. The long dark hair that she'd taken so much pride in was singed and burned away, exposing her blackened scalp in places. Even through the disfigurations and mutilations, Alyssa had known she was looking at Kendra. Her clothing had burned away in places and in others it looked as though it had been ripped apart. Her long legs were spread apart and it hadn't taken Alyssa long to realize what had happened. In a burst of adrenaline, she tore her wrist away from the marine who'd been helping to support her and ran over to her fallen friend. It wasn't enough that those bastards had taken that promising young life, but they'd had the nerve to rape her before doing so.

Alyssa had cried out as she ran, finally dropping to her knees beside her fallen friend. She took the girl's charred hand in her own and squeezed it gently. The softness that had once been there was gone. Now the badly burned flesh was rough and flaky. The skin felt as though it might come apart in her hand. Tears fell from Alyssa's eyes and even Shepard, the silent visitor to this bygone time, was having trouble keeping her eyes dry as she remembered this devastating turn of events.

"You loved her, didn't you?" Liara asked softly, coming up behind Shepard and wrapping her arms tightly around the Commander's waist.

Shepard could only nod. She couldn't bring herself to say anything.

"She was the first, wasn't she?" the Asari asked, tightening her hold. "The first person you ever loved?"

"She was," Alyssa said. At a time in her life when her peers had started dating and talking about men and sex, it hadn't taken her long to realize that she was different. It wasn't that she hated men because she didn't. Several of her close friends had been male. She'd just never been interested in men on an intimate level. To put it bluntly, they didn't turn her on. Her attractions and interests laid elsewhere. Specifically they lay with her dead friend in a burnt and ruined pile on the floor. It was made all the more painful by the fact that she'd been working up the courage to talk to Kendra about her feelings. Now she would never have the chance. Those Batarian bastards had taken that away from her and she would never forgive them for that. Her ire would grow all the more later on when she learned what had happened to her parents.

"For what it's worth," her phantom lover whispered, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that Alyssa."

At the moment, it wasn't worth a hell of a lot.

Shepard sighed, the ruin of the Mindoir schoolhouse vanishing around her as she returned to the here and now. Liara vanished along with it, and she found herself wondering why she'd subjected herself to those memories. With everything else going on in her – was it right to call it a life? – why did she feel a need to put herself through that pain and punishment again? Was the new and improved Alyssa Shepard some kind of sadist, eager to make herself suffer?

But maybe that was the point, she thought. Since she'd awakened, her mind had been all over the place, and maybe she'd just been desperate to feel something genuine. It had been the defining moment in her life, and maybe she had been hoping that reliving it would help to remind her who she truly was. In a strange way that she couldn't quite explain, knowing that she still felt so terrible about that day, made her feel a little bit better.

**2.**

Kelly Chambers inhaled deeply as she stood outside the door to the conference room. She couldn't help but wonder what Commander Shepard might want to speak to her about. Kasumi had been extremely vague about the specifics, but it sounded like something had gone wrong on Beckenstein. She knew that it was the height of wishful thinking to hope that Shepard might want to see her about something other than a purely professional matter, but part of her wanted it to be true. Try as she might, the yeoman still couldn't shake the imagery or sensations from the previous night's dream. She could still feel Shepard's lips on her own, her hands greedily traversing her aching body.

"Deep breath Kelly," she whispered to herself.

Pushing the dream away as best she could, she stepped up and allowed the thin door to move aside. Shepard was inside, but her back was turned on the door. She was on the far end of the room, hands clasped behind her back, head tilted slightly upward as though she were staring at something high up on the wall. After another long cleansing breath, Chambers steeled herself for whatever might follow and stepped inside, walking up to the table in the center of the room.

"You wanted to see me ma'am?" she asked.

There was a short moment of silence before Shepard spoke, "I haven't been blond since I was sixteen." Her voice was soft and distant, as though she were returning from a faraway place.

"Ma'am?" Kelly asked.

Shepard turned around and there was a look in her eyes, a longing that Kelly didn't care for. It was painfully clear that the longing had nothing to do with Kelly herself.

"When I woke up in the lab on Lazarus Station, I caught my reflection in the glass. I didn't have much time to think about it then, but it was one of the first things I noticed." She paused. "I dyed it shortly after the attack on Mindoir and it's been black ever since." A long soft sigh escaped her lips.

Eager to hear where this was leading, Kelly waited for Shepard to continue.

"Strange," Shepard said, "Everything that's happened in the last several days, and I'm thinking about my hair color."

"Sometimes," Kelly said, setting her hand held terminal down on the table, "when something is too big or overwhelming for us to process, our mind will find other things to focus on, things that we can deal with." She paused for a moment, "It's actually pretty common." A deep breath later, she continued, "You wanted to see me about something Commander?"

Shepard nodded. "I've told you how I feel about therapy Yeoman. Discussing my emotions isn't something that comes naturally, but after what happened to me on Beckenstein, Kasumi suggested I speak to you." There was a tentative quiet that followed before she spoke again, "I'm not really sure how this goes, or whether or not it will even work, but I don't really know what else to do." The blond leaned forward, resting her hands on the wooden table.

"I'll do whatever I can Commander," Kelly said kindly. "Why don't you start by telling me what happened on Beckenstein."

Commander Shepard nodded and, for just a moment her eyes had that faraway look again. "We went in to retrieve something for Kasumi, something that had belonged to somebody important to her. The plan was to go in undercover, gain access to Hock's vault, get the item and get back out, but it didn't go exactly as planned, and we found ourselves pinned down and under fire."

"Go on."

"I don't know what came over me," Shepard said, and Kelly could hear the frustration in her voice. "I've been in hundreds of fire fights and one thing that you never ever do is give up your cover and run right out into the open while the enemy has the upper hand. I wasn't thinking clearly though. Actually," she stopped for a moment, "I don't know what I was thinking, or even if I was thinking at all, but I think…" her voice trailed off.

"Think what?" Kelly asked, tilting her head.

She noticed that, try as she might Commander Shepard was refusing to meet her gaze. There was something a little scary about her demeanor. "What is it Commander?" She hoped that her fear and apprehension wasn't apparent in her voice.

"I think I was trying to get myself killed."

The silence hung like a lead weight for a moment before the younger redhead cut it loose, "Why do you say that Commander?"

Shepard took a deep breath and turned her eyes toward the ceiling, "I can't really remember what I was thinking. It's kind of a haze, but I remember just losing my sense of self control and giving in." She crossed her arms again and, although her face was pointed toward the Yeoman, her eyes were looking off to the left. "I don't really know what came over me." Her head shook slightly from side to side and she exhaled long and softly. "One minute I was in control, taking cover behind one of the exhibits. I looked over at Kasumi and tried to gauge the situation. When she vanished and ran into the fray I just lost it." Apparently unable to keep still, Commander Shepard began to pace back and forth across the span of a few feet. She seemed extremely focused on her feet.

"Is this the first time you've felt that loss of control?" Kelly asked quietly, leaning back against the wall and wrapping her arms across her chest. "Have you felt it before since you were revived?" As she waited for an answer, she found herself focusing on the Commander and her movements. There was definitely tenseness in her posture and movement. Chambers couldn't be sure whether Shepard was just anxious about talking to her, or whether she still wasn't in complete control of her nerves, but the Yeoman would have bet her career on the latter. Her legs, one of which was bandaged, seemed a little shaky. Again, that could have been due to the wound, but Kelly doubted it.

To her surprise, the blond laughed. "Revived," she whispered. "Revived," she seemed focused on the word now, drawing it out and playing with it. "Makes it sound like somebody administered CPR," she said. Now she was facing Kelly, eyes and all, and there was a fire there that Kelly hadn't seen since she'd viewed Shepard's argument with Miss Lawson and Mr. Taylor from the other side of a pane of sound proof glass. It was a little frightening, but Kelly was determined to hold her ground. "I think resurrected would be a better word." For once Shepard's voice was level and firm. "You didn't revive me. You brought me back from the fucking dead!" Even through the façade of calm she was attempting to project, Kelly couldn't help but jump a little when the Commander brought her fist down on the table with a resounding crack.

It was a wonder that the wood didn't splinter.

There were times when a therapist needed to jump in, to help guide the conversation toward resolution and there were other times when it was better to let the patient fill in the silence. She knew it was a tried and true technique because their mutual friend Kasumi had used it on her the other day to get her to talk about her family, and Kelly had fallen right into the trap. She simply nodded and waited for the emotionally battered woman to continue. It took a few moments and the younger woman nearly began to speak despite herself. Shepard seemed to have that effect on her though. She couldn't help but want to talk when the other woman was around.

"But what if you didn't," Shepard asked almost meekly. "I keep thinking that maybe I'm not really me." She tilted her head back, closed her eyes and took a long, drawn out breath. "What if I just think I am?"

Kelly tilted her head, her eyes opening a little wider as she stepped forward. "I'm not sure I follow Commander." In truth, she had a pretty good idea where this conversation was heading and she was pretty certain that she was about to get in a little over her head, but she was hoping that getting Shepard to elaborate, to talk about it a little more, would help. "Why do you think you might not be you?"

"I," she paused, "Alyssa Shepard died when the Normandy was attacked by the Collectors," she finally continued. "She was blasted out into space, her air supply quickly leaking, and then she plummeted through the atmosphere of a planet and crashed and burned. Nobody could survive that and it's difficult to believe, money non-withstanding, that anybody could be brought back from that."

When she got quiet this time, it seemed as though all of the sound had been sucked from the room, like they existed in a noiseless vacuum. "I can't remember anything during the time I… the time I was dead." Once again she was looking away, avoiding Kelly's gaze. "Are you religious?" She asked. "Do you believe in a higher power?"

This time it was Kelly's turn to hesitate. "I guess," she finally said, "I've never really given it much thought." Her words were slow and measured. It wasn't something that she discussed much and in truth, it was a difficult question. "I guess I've always believed in the human spirit, our ability to survive and excel. It's why I chose the line of work I did. What about you Commander?"

"Reminds me of a conversation I once had with Ash," she said quietly in an almost faraway voice, "I guess if you had asked me before this, I would have said yes, but it wasn't something that defined me." A moment's reflection later she said, "I guess I always kind of took it for granted. It was something that was always there, but kind of in the background if that makes sense."

Kelly nodded. "And what if somebody asked you now?"

This chuckle was soft and without any real emotion behind it. "I honestly don't know. If God exists, if there's an afterlife then why don't I remember any of it. You hear stories about people on the brink of death seeing a bright light, and even stories about what they saw before they were," she paused, "_revived," _there was a rather sarcastic inflection on the word, "but I have nothing. I remember being thrown out into space, and then waking up in the lab and it was like no time had passed."

"And you think that means there's no afterlife?" Chambers concluded.

"Maybe," Shepard admitted, leaning back against the wall, "but what if there is? What if Alyssa Shepard did die, and what if she's there right now? If there is a human spirit, a soul, what if it didn't come back when I woke up?"

Kelly took a deep breath. This was definitely beyond her pay grade, but she felt she should try something here. Seeing the Commander hurt like this made her hurt too and she wanted to do anything she could to help alleviate it.

She decided to start with some honesty as she made her way around the table. "I'm not going to pretend I have those answers Commander. You're asking yourself questions that people have been struggling with since the dawn of civilization. I'm also not going to pretend to understand what you're going through or what you're feeling. You're dealing with something that, to the best of my knowledge, is unique in human history." It was a struggle for Kelly. Shepard's pain was almost tangible and she wanted nothing more than to rush over and take the other woman in her arms, gently stroke her short, blond hair, and tell her that everything was going to be okay. Fortunately for her, professionalism took control and gently pushed those emotional responses to the side.

"I will tell you that you're not alone Commander Shepard. I might not be able to answer your questions or put your mind at rest, but I'll do everything I can to help you make some kind of peace with yourself. As painful as it might be, I think you're asking yourself the right questions. If there is a soul," she was half way around the table now, "People believe that it's responsible, at least in part, for our emotional outlook on life, for a beliefs and morals. So let me ask you another question; how do you feel about the Collector attacks?" She was standing a foot or two away from the Commander now. She shooed away the part of herself that wanted to be even closer, tried very hard not to think about the past night's dream for the hundredth time.

"They have to be stopped," Shepard said firmly. The resolve was in her voice again, and her gaze became forceful. Kelly could have stared into those eyes for hours, gotten lost in a world that she'd never want to return from, but now was not the time. Probably, she realized, there never would be a _time._ "People, humans are being abducted, taken from their homes," there was an extra edge in her voice now, "and I'm certain the Reapers are involve somehow."

"Are you saying you feel that way because you believe it, or because it's hardwired in?"

"How the hell can you even ask me that?" Shepard demanded. "Of course I believe it!"

Kelly allowed a faint smile. "I didn't mean to offend you Commander. It just seems to me that you're uncertain about so much that I thought it might help to focus on something you _are _certain of, something you feel with every fiber of your being. You might feel like you don't know what's real or what matters, but it seems to me that there's at least one thing that's real to you."

The admission and a moment of silence seemed to deflate Commander Shepard a little. "Maybe you're right," she said having calmed down a little. "I'm just not sure if it's enough. The stakes are too high, hell the stakes are _everything. _What if I can't do this? What if I don't have the mind or the drive that I once did? What if I make a mistake? How am I supposed to trust myself?"

She knew she might end up regretting it later, but Kelly couldn't help herself any longer. The pain in Commander Shepard's eyes was too much for even her professionalism. She reached out and took the older woman's hand in her own. The flesh was soft and warm, moist from the Commander's sweat.

"Know this Commander. Regardless of your doubts, I trust you implicitly. I've known from the moment you came on board that if I fell backward you'd be there to catch me. Whatever might happen over the coming weeks, know that I have absolute faith in you Commander." For an instant, as Kelly gently squeezed Shepard's hand, their eyes met and Kelly felt something, a connection of sorts. Shepard didn't speak for a time and, to Kelly the moment seemed to stretch onto eternity.

"Thank you Yeoman," Shepard whispered, still unable to look away.

Chambers smiled kindly and reached out to gently stroke a tear from Shepard's cheek. "Call me Kelly," she said, pulling her hand away.

"Thank you, Kelly," the other woman said slowly.

Remembering herself suddenly, Kelly pulled back. Only now, the deed done, did she realize how personal she'd just allowed the situation to become. She thought about backpedaling, attempting to apologize for her behavior, but decided against it. After all, Shepard didn't seem offended. Letting go of the blonde's hand, she stepped back.

"I hope I've helped Commander."

Shepard nodded. "You have. I still don't know what to believe and I'm still not sure exactly who or what I am, but I feel like you've at least given me focus, something to put my energy into. Our mission is too important to let myself get in the way. Once this is over I can do as much soul searching as I want to, but right now I need to keep my head in the game."

Kelly nodded, "If you ever need to talk again Commander you know where I live."

Commander Shepard smiled and nodded. "I may just take you up on that Yeo…" she paused and corrected herself, "Kelly."

"Good." With that, Kelly turned and walked out of the room.

**3.**

Alyssa watched the door for a moment after Kelly's departure. It was strange but she actually felt a little better about her situation. Growing up, particularly after the atrocity on Mindoir, she'd learned to keep her emotions to herself, to bottle them up until she was alone and could release them in privacy and in her own way. Others had told her that it felt good to talk about their troubles and she'd always wondered how it changed anything. Talk about them or not, the problems were still there. What good did it do to burden others with them? Now she felt as though she almost understood it.

There was something else on her mind though. There had been a moment, near the end of their talk, when Alyssa had felt something more, almost a connection. She'd finished baring her soul and Kelly was holding her hand. For a brief moment their eyes had met and it felt like time had stopped.

What the hell was that all about?

Alyssa wouldn't lie; she'd noticed the yeoman from time to time. Kelly was an attractive young woman, and difficult not to notice, but there was something else. Holding Kelly's hand, staring into her eyes; it made her think of Liara and how much she missed the Asari Not the strange hybrid abomination that currently haunted her thoughts, but the Asari that she'd lost two years ago when her life had become forfeit..

The moment with Kelly had been something more though. More than reminding her of what she had lost over the last two years, that moment had made her feel something deep inside. It wasn't love. She didn't know the younger woman well enough, but it was definitely curiosity and attraction.

Right now though there were decidedly more important things to deal with. She owed somebody an apology for one thing.

**4.**

By the time Kelly reached her station on the command deck, she still hadn't finished chiding herself for her foolish behavior. What had been going through her mind? Why had her decorum deserted her like that. Yes, she felt something for Commander Shepard. She knew herself well enough to admit that, but she knew better. Her purpose on board the Normandy, aside from making sure everything was in order for Shepard, was to make sure that the rest of the crew was psychologically sound. How could she do that if she was crushing hard on her commanding officer? How could she do that if she couldn't keep herself in check long enough not to act on it.

Taking Shepard's hand, and she could still feel the warmth of that touch on her own skin, had been one thing. It had been a physical show of support. At least she could let that slide a little. Wiping the tear away though and staring into her eyes, oh how beautiful those eyes were, that had been crossing a line. Even in her distracted state Shepard had to have noticed. On the other hand it had been nice to hear the other woman say her name.

The quick smile that crossed her lips at the thought was quickly replaced by a serious expression. Even now, after the fact, she was still torn. Torn between her growing feelings, and her duty to Cerberus, The Illusive Man, and more importantly humanity itself. Her training was supposed to prepare her for this, help to keep her emotionally detached from her patients. That training was failing her now.

In an effort to redirect her energy, she called up a blank screen and began to type out her report. As The Illusive Man's liaison Kelly had been tasked with keeping him up to date on Shepard's status and keep him apprised of any concerns he might want to know about. Was she really supposed to tell him about this though? In the rational portion of her mind she knew that the answer was a resounding YES. Commander Shepard had done what amounted to attempting suicide. It could have radical implications on the mission. What would happen if he decided that she was unstable though. Deep down, Kelly knew that Shepard was humanity's best hope for survival. If she didn't report the incident on Beckenstein though, and Shepard ultimately failed, or had a breakdown, if the mission failed the blame would fall squarely on Kelly. Was she strong enough to bare that load?

Honestly she wasn't sure. Only when she realized that she'd absentmindedly called an image of her family up in the top left corner of her screen, did she really start to realize the dilemma she was facing. The picture had been taken a few years ago on Christmas Eve and it was the last time they'd all been together at the same time for a photo. Looking at her mother, her father, Rebecca, and even Zack – especially Zack – she started to think about the question she'd asked Commander Shepard, about why the Collectors had to be stopped. If something happened to her family she didn't know what she would do. It had been hard enough losing Zack, how would she react if the Collectors abducted her parents or Rebecca.

She had to be strong enough. Even if Shepard was having issues, Kelly could help her. It was her job. Shepard was their best hope and, in some respects, she felt herself to be Shepard's best hope. She could do this. Resolute, Chambers decided to leave the specifics on the Beckenstein Incident out of her report. She wasn't about to risk having T.I.M. recall the Commander. Maybe she was that distracted by her own thoughts, or maybe Kasumi was just that quiet, but Kelly was startled when she turned her head and saw the thief standing behind her.

"Kasumi," she said quickly.

Beneath her hood, the Japanese woman tilted her head. All that could be seen was the slightly bemused smile that always seemed to be upon her lips.

"How did it go with Shep?" she asked casually. At least she tried to ask casually, but Kelly felt there was always an exuberant curiosity surrounding the Japanese woman. Kasumi had been down there when the Commander had lapsed, so it was probably natural to assume that she was concerned.

"I think it went well," Kelly told her, picking up her hand held terminal. "She said it was you who suggested she come see me. I want to thank you for that."

"You owe me," Kasumi said, the corner of her lip turning up just a little, and even though her eyes were shrouded in darkness, Kelly could have sworn she could hear the wink in the young woman's tone. It had to be her imagination. The playful tone of voice had to be her imagination as well. It was natural. Kelly had over stepped her bounds in their session and now her mind was under the paranoid delusion that everybody knew about it.

"Thank you," Chambers said, a little uncertainly.

"Uh huh. Just keep me updated." With that, Kasumi made her way toward the elevator, leaving Kelly to wonder exactly what that had meant.


	10. Interlude II

**Interlude**

**II**

**1.**

A few moments later when Shepard found herself standing outside the door to Miranda Lawson's office, it certainly wasn't because she wanted to be there. She still wasn't entirely sure what to make of the talk with Kelly, particularly the last few minutes, but she had taken something extremely valuable away from it nonetheless. Right now, the only thing that mattered was the struggle against the Collectors. Everything else had to be put on hold and, aside from the existential crisis she was facing, that included any grudges she might be holding. Alyssa didn't trust Cerberus and she never would. Even if she hadn't been involved in the investigation that ended in Admiral Kahoku's death, their methods were cruel and unusual in the extreme. One day, hopefully not too far off, Cerberus and The Illusive Man would answer for that. Unfortunately, they were the only ones who even seemed willing to aknowledge that anything untoward was happening. Hell, they'd provided her with a state of the art vessel and an elite team of specialists to fly her.

For the time being Commander Shepard intended to take full advantage of their generous gifts.

When the door opened, she found her executive officer sitting behind her desk engrossed in her work. Shepard stepped inside and looked around. It was the first time she'd come in here since boarding the Normandy a few days ago. On the old Normandy, _Her _Normandy, this would have been the CO's cabin, and it wouldn't have been nearly this luxurious. Her eyes were drawn toward the window, toward the vastness of space in all of its glory. The lapse lasted a mere fraction of a second, and she turned her eyes toward the raven-haired woman.

"Shepard," she said coldly, without even the simple courtesy of looking up. "What can I do for you?" It was clear in her tone that there was no love lost between the two of them. Alyssa decided not to give into the obvious bating.

"I was hoping we could talk for a moment," she paused, finding it hard to look directly at her second in command. Try as she might to put her reservations aside, it was hard to think of Miranda as anything but the Cerberus poster child and a lackey of The Illusive Man. This was something she had to do though. Shepard was the commanding officer of the Normandy and the crew would look to her as an example. How could she expect them to cooperate and work to their full potential if she engaged in petty squabbles? "If you have the time." She took a short breath.

"Honestly I have a lot of work to do," she said. Her thin Australian accent coated the words. She took a deep breath and finally looked up, "But I suppose I can spare a moment of two." Lawson pulled her hands away from the computer terminal and leaned back a little in her chair. "What exactly did you wish to discuss?"

This was it.

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior to this point," she said slowly. Shepard hoped Miranda couldn't see exactly how difficult this was for her.

Obviously surprised, Miranda cocked an eyebrow and remained silent for a moment. She stood up, wrapped her arms around her chest and walked toward the window. Staring out into the void for a long moment, she finally broke the eerie silence that had been building. "I have to say, I'm surprised to hear you say that." The edge in her voice that had been present when Alyssa had walked in was gone.

Alyssa sat down in a nearby chair and sighed. "You can't be any more surprised to hear me say it than I am." She offered a grim smile, an attempt to lighten the mood a little. This was going better than she'd expected. "Look, I'll be honest. I have issues with your organization. I've seen too much to just turn a blind eye." She paused for a moment, wondering if maybe she was driving the conversation down the wrong track right now. Ultimately, she decided to continue. Alyssa was never one to back down and when she forged a path, she always kept it moving forward. "Right now though, there are more important things to worry about. Humans are being abducted and The Illusive Man was right. The Council doesn't seem inclined to do anything about it. I guess some things never change." She added the last part quietly, more for her benefit than anything else.

Miranda turned to face her. "That's what we've been trying to make you understand Shepard. I suppose, having read your personality profile, it was a conclusion you needed to reach for yourself. I'm just glad you did. Whatever you might think of us, and you've made it pretty clear where you stand, Cerberus is not your enemy. We want the same thing you do. We want to make sure that humanity endures and survives this crisis."

Shepard nodded.

"When I came back from Beckenstein," Shepard began, "I told you that in this life we sometimes have to learn to do things we'd rather not."

Miranda nodded, "I remember."

"Well that applies to me as much as it does anybody else," she finished. "I may not be happy about this alliance, but Cerberus is giving me the best chance I have of fighting the Collectors and, until I'm given reason, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."

"The benefit of the doubt," Miranda repeated, almost to herself as her eyes locked on the ceiling. "You're far too kind." There was a sarcastic lilt in her voice that Shepard didn't like one bit.

"I'm trying to extend a hand in truce here," Alyssa said, standing up defiantly. "If you'd –"

Miranda held out a hand, trying to calm her. "Please, I didn't mean to offend you Shepard." She stopped and appeared lost in thought for a short time before she continued. "It's becoming painfully obvious that we're never going to become best friends." She offered her own grim smile, and the gesture wasn't lost on the commander, who forced herself to calm down a little. "But I appreciate your apology, and I know how difficult it must have been for you."

You have no idea, Commander Shepard thought.

"You've obviously been through a lot Commander. Nobody knows that better than I do and I wish we could have given you time to acclimate." She turned back toward the window again. "It was never our intention to throw you right into the fray. We wanted the chance to explain everything to you in a much less stressful environment, to gradually bring you up to speed rather than throwing everything at you at once. Unfortunately we didn't have as much time as we thought we would." Miranda turned her head toward Shepard. "We were still weeks away from waking you when Lazarus Station came under attack."

"That part I remember," Shepard said quickly.

The taller woman nodded her head. "I'm not here to try and take control of the situation. The Illusive Man has a lot of faith in you Shepard, probably more than you know, and he felt I'd be a valuable asset on your team."

Alyssa tilted her head, "And what about you?"

Miranda was facing her again. "What do you mean?"

"Do you have faith in me? Do you think I'm the right person for this?"

Her subordinate took her time in answering. "I've read everything there is on you Commander, and then some. I think you've done some remarkable things. Apart from defeating Saren and Sovereign, you managed to rally a team consisting of species that have difficulty in cooperating with each other under the best of circumstances. I think you're an excellent soldier and an extremely adept leader."

"That didn't really answer my question Miranda."

"I know." Miranda turned and leaned up against the nearby wall for support. "Understand," she began, "that faith isn't something I tend to bestow upon people Shepard." Her voice grew quieter, "I've been disappointed far too many times. However," her voice returned to its normal tone, "I do think our chances of successfully defeating the Collectors are much higher with you here."

"You're far too kind," Shepard said, perhaps a little more vindictively then she'd meant.

"It's the best I've got right now Commander," Miranda's lips turned down in an almost apologetic gesture. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do." She turned and walked back toward her desk. Shepard simply nodded and walked out as Miranda was sitting back down.

She supposed, in the great scheme of things, that the encounter could have gone a lot worse. At least they seemed to be on speaking terms now, rather than just shouting at each other. It was a start.

It had been a busy day and, rather than check in on the Command Deck, Shepard decided to get some rest in her cabin.

**2.**

There was something magnificent about the darkness of the void. It was like watching diamonds sparkle against a backdrop of black velvet. As far back as she could remember, Kelly had always held a certain level of fascination and awe when it came to space travel. It might have come from her father, but deep down she felt it had probably started long before, and her father had simply added coals to a fire that was already burning. More than anything, she recalled those hot summer nights when her father would haul the telescope out onto the balcony of their apartment. Along with Kelly and her father, her brother Zack would sit out there until all hours of the night. Sometimes they'd look up at the moon; that had always been her favorite, and sometimes they'd train the lens out toward the distant stars. The memory of their first time was still as fresh in her mind as if it had happened yesterday.

She'd been a child, no more than seven or eight and her brother had been even younger. Their father had been teasing them all day long with some kind of surprise he'd been planning. Even now Kelly could almost still feel the same level of excitement she'd felt back then as she'd watched her father carry the old brown box up from storage. On the outside it looked like nothing special, simply a tattered and worn cardboard box. Inside had been an entirely new world for Kelly to explore. The way her dad gathered them around and made them sit quietly as he cut the tape had been like participating in some kind of ancient ceremony. At least it had felt that way from her younger perspective. When he'd taken the telescope out and begun to set it up, it had been like she'd fallen into some kind of trance. She couldn't take her eyes off of it.

The First Contact War had passed just shy of ten years ago, and there were still a lot of strained nerves on Earth when it came to dealing with aliens, particularly the Turians. They'd been learning a little bit about it in school, and Kelly had been fascinated by it. Where many saw danger, and potential new enemies, Kelly had seen excitement and potential new friends. She had decided back then that one day she wanted to travel out into the galaxy and meet everybody she could. Zack had been much the same way at that age, eager to explore and learn everything that he could. It often brought tears to her eyes when she thought about him in as he'd been in their younger years. They'd been close, practically best friends, and they'd spent all their free time together exploring. When she thought about that young boy, all the promise he'd held, it was still sometimes hard to accept that he was gone, that she'd never see him again.

When her father had finished putting it together, they couldn't wait to use it. They tried to goad their mother and their sister Rebecca into joining them, but there mother wasn't interested and Rebecca had always had a little bit too much of their mother in her.

The first time they'd used it, dad had pointed it at the moon and started to point out some of the features to them. He'd had to tear Kelly away from the lens to give her brother a chance at it, she'd been so enraptured by the sight. The three of them had spent hours out on the balcony in the cool night air taking turns at it. By the end of the evening, or more accurately, the beginning of the morning; before her father had taken it apart and brought it in for the night, each of them had picked a crater out. It was theirs, and whenever anyone of them looked upon that majestic surface, gazed up at those craters, they would think of each other. Kelly had chosen one near the edge, about halfway up the western side. Unlike the other surface abrasions, this one caught the light in just the right way to make it glow. The sight of it had inspired something wondrous in her child's mind.

It had been an extremely long time since she'd thought about that particular night. She supposed, as she leaned back and took another sip from her glass of red wine, that it probably had something to do with seeing her family today. Right now there was nothing she wanted to do more than look out at the moon and find her brother's crater. It had been large, the biggest and darkest crater they'd been able to find. Sometimes boys could be so predictable. Anybody watching, might have wondered where the sudden chuckle came from as she sat there on the black wrap around couch. Setting the glass down on the floor in front her, Kelly leaned backward and enjoyed the peace that the starboard observation lounge afforded her. Crossing her legs, careful to avoid the glass near her feet, her eyes found focus on the void beyond that thin pane of glass. It was in these quiet moments, too far and few between, that she felt she could really think the thoughts that normally inhabited the edges of her mind. So much had happened today, and she really wasn't sure what to make of any of it.

The visit with her family had been bittersweet to say the least. It had been nice to see them, and it had made her realize just how much she missed them. At the same time, remembering the conversation with Rebecca, the way her sister had made her feel like an insignificant piece of shit, made her deeply sad. The frustrating part was that there was absolutely no way for her to redeem herself. All she could do was sit and take it while Rebecca told her what a terrible sister and daughter she was. It made her angry on some level, and some of that animosity was definitely directed at her sister, but that wasn't entirely fair. How could Rebecca understand what she was going through? The answer was that she couldn't, and Kelly couldn't tell her about any of it. So, for the moment, she had to accept their anger. It frustrated her to no end, but Kasumi had been right. She was fighting for them and, if she succeeded and they were safe, then it would be worth the hurt feelings. Even that resolution didn't stop Kelly from dwelling on it more than she'd have liked though.

The young woman leaned down, collecting her glass for another sip. Kelly wasn't one to drink very often, but she did enjoy the occasional glass or two of wine. It had been one of the few things she'd packed when she'd left Minuteman Station, and she'd had to plead with Gardner to keep it safe for her. The thing that she liked about it was how it loosened the normally tight reigns she normally held on her mind. Normally, she kept her thoughts well ordered, and avoided those that had no place. Every once in a while it was healthy to probe those areas of the mind that seldom saw the light of day though, to throw off the shackles of mental discipline and allow thoughts to wander. Today had been something else entirely. Ordinarily, Kelly was in complete control. Her mind and body didn't do anything unless it was what she expressly wanted.

Today had been something of an anomaly. On some level it worried her. Kelly took another sip, finishing off her second glass. The breaching of her mental fortitude earlier was making her wonder just how stable the psychological walls she'd spent a large portion of her life building, really were. On another, much baser level though, it excited the yeoman. Nobody else had ever made Kelly feel quite the way Alyssa Shepard did.

So, how exactly did Kelly feel about Alyssa Shepard? It was the kind of question that she normally would have beaten around, or made excuses for without the benefit of the wine. But now that she was being honest with herself, when all was said and done, what did Kelly really want from Commander Shepard? Well, it was surprisingly simple. Regardless of the circumstances leading up to it, or even the morality of it, she was falling for Alyssa. She had spent the last couple of days trying to beat around the bush, trying to convince herself that it was simply the intense interest she'd taken in the commander's life, that it was nothing more than a rather severe case of hero worship. That was bullshit though and she knew it.

Alyssa Shepard was strong and, in her own way, beautiful. There was a passion and energy about her that Kelly couldn't help but be absorbed by. Today, she had borne witness to a level of vulnerability in Commander Shepard that few had probably ever seen and it had only opened her heart to Shepard even more. Sure, the commander had some baggage, but Kelly hadn't exactly packed light either. Anybody who said that they had no cross to bear, in Kelly's experience, was a liar.

Now that she knew, now that she'd finally admitted the obvious to herself, what was she going to do about it. Accepting her feelings had been easy; acting on them was just a little more problematic. It had been years, well before her time with Cerberus, since Kelly had been in a relationship with anybody, and that had been her dorm mate at the university on Illium. Not exactly the most serious of relationships. This was different, her feelings more intense.

Before Kelly could do anything, she would have to be sure there was something to act on. She knew deep down that there had been a connection earlier today, a moment when they'd looked into each other's eyes and seen what was burning inside, but what did it mean? Was it the first real sign of something deep and lasting, or was it simply a moment? If she made an advance on her commanding officer, highly inappropriate under the best of circumstances, and she was rebuked, what would that mean? Would she be disciplined? Would Shepard decide that she needed to be sent away? The thought of that was almost too much for Kelly to handle.

No, she'd have to be careful. Before she could do anything, she would have to be absolutely sure that it was welcome. They had time, to a point anyway. As long as the mission lasted it wasn't like Shepard was going anywhere, and Kelly certainly had nowhere else to be. She would have to take her time, use her psychological gifts to probe the situation until she had the answers she sought. The impatient part of her, the part that had probably had a little too much wine, rebelled against it, urging her to simply declare her feelings and be done with it. That was one sign that she'd had enough to drink.

Kelly would have to tread carefully, look for the subtle signs.

For the moment though, it was getting late. All of this could wait until tomorrow.

**3.**

Alyssa took a deep, soothing breath as she turned the water off. Closing her eyes to savor the fleeting moment of peace she reached backward through the warm mist, groping until she found her towel. She ravaged her short blond hair with it and then ran it up and down her body slowly, making every attempt to extend this moment on into eternity. Shepard couldn't lie to herself; this was one messed up situation, but she finally felt like she was on her way to coming to some kind of understanding with herself. Cerberus wasn't off the hook, not by a long shot but for now their sentence had been commuted.

What frustrated her more than anything, even more than the fact that she was being forced to work for a clandestine terrorist organization, was that despite the evidence, everybody else in the galaxy seemed content to just ignore the obvious. Maybe it hadn't helped that she'd sacrificed the Destiny Ascension, and with it the former council, but what choice had she been left with? It was no secret that she had resented the other species, the so-called more advanced members of the galaxy. She certainly hadn't let them all die to secure humanity, what many believed she saw as, their rightful place. The idea that she could be so cold and callous had sickened her, but it had been the angle the galactic media had played. In her eyes there simply hadn't been a choice. No matter how many people were on that ship, it didn't compare to the number of lives that would have been lost if the Reapers had broken through. It had been the sound tactical decision and she knew it and, as much as she would have loved another answer, she would do it again if she had to. Given that, when she'd visited the Citadel the other day, it was probably natural that the council had been less than eager to receive her.

It was bullshit. Plain and simple bullshit.

They didn't want to believe that the galactic equivalent of the bogeyman was hiding right beneath their collective asses, and their ire toward Shepard gave them the perfect excuse to ignore her warnings. Why was she even bothering to save them? Even humanity itself had turned its back on her, and what did she really owe them. They hadn't been able to save her home. When the situation with Saren broke out, her people had been quick to throw their support behind her, but it really had nothing to do with her personally. The government, the masses on Earth and the colonies; none of them really gave a rat's ass about her personally. They were just eager to see their own position advanced in the interstellar fraternity house. It could have been anybody and they would have cheered just as loud.

So again she found herself wondering what she owed them, why she was risking her life – her second one! – to save them. Why didn't she just take the Normandy and run? Shepard was resourceful and intelligent, and all things considered, reasonably sure she could keep The Illusive Man off of her tail. Of course this was just all wild speculation. Of course she would stay the course, even if it meant sleeping with the enemy so to speak. She would do it because of the few good people she'd met. Many of them were, surprisingly enough, not even human. Alyssa would do this for Ashley Williams, Garrus Vakarian, Urdnot Wrex, Tali Zorah, and Pressley. She would do it for the memory of Kaiden Alenko, who had seen his duty through to the hard, bitter end, and she would do it for Liara T'Soni. That was why she would do it. She didn't want to see her people wiped out, despite her frustration with them, nor did she wish extinction on the Asari, the Quarians, the Krogan or even the Turians. Those names were what really fueled her desire to stop the Collectors and the Reapers. What would the media make of that? They'd probably ignore it all together.

Wrapping the towel around her body, Shepard stepped into her quarters. It was equally strange and nice to have that fire back. Up until today, she'd been worried that it might be gone forever, that she might be something other than Alyssa Shepard. Now, at least until this situation was over, that doubt was gone. She was Commander Alyssa Shepard and she was here to kick some Collector Ass. She'd collect her team, travel through that relay and then she'd do whatever it took to stop them and, suicide mission or not, she fully intended to return and take the fight back to Cerberus.

The picture on her desk caught her eye. It was the first time she'd really looked at it since coming aboard. No doubt The Illusive man had felt a picture of Liara would make her feel at home. How could he have known it would do exactly the opposite? Now that she was getting a handle on her psyche, Liara was the stumbling block. Deep down Shepard still loved her, and she always would, but what were they now. Even if she only felt as though she'd been asleep for a few hours, Liara had been living her life for two years. What would she be doing now? What would she be like? Would she even feel the same way she once had? Everything having to do with Liara seemed to end in a question.

"There is a way to find out you know?" Startled, Alyssa turned to see Liara leaning back against the wall next to the fish tank. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she wore a sullen expression. "You could try contacting me."

"Liara," Shepard whispered. She shook her head slowly, once again feeling a wave of futility washing over her. "I don't even know where you are, or what you're doing. The Illusive Man won't tell me…" Her voice kind of trailed off.

The Asari tilted her head, "As resourceful as you are Shepard?" She used a foot to push softly off the wall and slowly started toward Alyssa. "I'm pretty sure that if you wanted to find me, you would find me." She stopped when she was standing a few inches away. "Why haven't you even tried?" There was a pleading in her voice, and it broke Alyssa's heart.

She closed her eyes as she felt those delicate blue fingertips caress her cheek. Though she knew that her lover wasn't really here, that this was a trick of her mind, it still felt so real. "I miss you Liara. I miss you so much, but there's too much going on right now. I just don't…" her voice trailed off as Liara's fingertip caught a tear just below her eye. Real or not, she wanted nothing more than to just give into this, to fall into the fantasy with the mental ghost of her love.

"Spare me," Liara said softly, "There's somebody else, isn't there?" Her voice was full of gut wrenching recrimination and accusation. "That's why you haven't tried to find me."

"No!" Alyssa shouted, perhaps a bit too vehemently. "No," she repeated softer. She reached out and took hold of Liara's wrist, forcing the hand back to her cheek. "There's only you."

The Asari leaned in close, so her lips were right next to Alyssa Shepard's ear. "Liar," she whispered. "There's somebody else. You don't need me anymore. That's the real reason I haven't heard from you."

"You're not real," Shepard whispered, attempting to simultaneously pull back and keep from tearing up at the same time. "You're not real, and you're not really here." She took a short step back, pressing herself against the desk.

"I told you," Liara said, taking a step closer, "I'm a part of her. When you –"

"No!" Shepard shouted. "You say that, and maybe it even really happens, but if I had a piece of Liara inside of me, it died when I did." She paused, her confidence growing. "You're not Liara and you never were. Liara never would have been this cruel to me." A thin, wistful smile crossed her lips. "Liara T'Soni doesn't have it in her to be this cruel to me." She shook her head, "The only person I know who could be this sadistic and manipulative toward me is," she paused, "me." There, she'd finally said what she'd know all along, ever since the dream the other night.

"That's all you are. You're all of the doubts and fears I've had since I woke up, and you've been doing your best to break me."

Liara stepped back, tilting her head.

"I've been trying to break me," Alyssa said quietly. "But listen well, whatever the hell you are; Alyssa Shepard will not be broken. And I will never," she took a step forward, "ever," she took another step forward until their lips were practically touching, "let you use the image of somebody I love to do this to me again."

"Do you understand me?" The question was firm, and her fierce tone left room for only one answer.

"Well done," the image of Liara said, clapping her hands. "Bravo Shepard." She crossed her arms again.

"It doesn't make me wrong though." T'Soni said.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that there is somebody else you've been thinking about, a certain yeoman," Liara said with a smirk.

"I hardly even know Kelly," Commander Shepard said dismissively.

"Regardless, you're attracted to her," Liara said. "It's good Alyssa. It's healthy. You should move on, find some small sliver of happiness for yourself."

"No!" she shouted. "I'm not about to abandon Liara!" She stepped back, wrapping her arms tightly over her chest. "I won't." Her voice was less firm though.

"For all you know, Liara's already abandoned you."

It was something she'd done her best not to think about, but a conclusion that she kept on arriving at. Maybe Liara had moved on. Shepard had died and typically that was rather permanent. How could she expect somebody to hold on after something like that? Besides, what had their relationship really been? They'd been two people under dire circumstances that had been thrown together and forced to bond, probably a good deal faster than they ought have. Had it really been love, or just a collection of moments that had pushed them together? That was why she'd really been avoiding Liara's picture, probably the reason that her psyche had chosen Liara to attack her with. It was because deep down, when she asked herself how she felt about Liara, she really wasn't sure. She cared about the Asari a great deal, that much was certain, but was it really love?

Maybe she wasn't worried that Liara had moved on. Maybe Shepard was worried that she'd moved on.

When she glanced back over, Liara was gone and she had the distinct impression that this was the last time she'd see her mind's shattered interpretation of her former love.

So, what did she do now. That was the question that dominated her sleep. Just because it might be time to move on, didn't mean she should jump into the next pair of arms that presented themselves, ergo Kelly. It meant she should think about it though. On her way to potential death, it made sense to reach for any fleeting moments of happiness that she could grab, but at the same time she didn't want to end up in the same corner she was in with Liara. Alyssa didn't want to survive the suicide mission and find herself in the same place with somebody like Kelly when this was over.

Besides, military or not, dating a subordinate could lead to countless complications and problems.

Still, it gave her something to think on while she slept.


End file.
